The Ricktastic Guide To Proper Booty Call Etiquette

Every now and then, I’ll take a girl home who might not be my #1 pick of the night, but maybe she’s really enthusiastic or just knows how to play the game. Inevitably, we’ll have the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” conversation, and things will go smoothly for at least a few weeks (and by “smoothly,” I mean our interaction is strictly limited to me calling her when I’m drunk and horny).

Things go smoothly, that is, until she starts breaking the rules.

Rules? What rules, you ask?

Good question! Why, the rules of booty calling, of course.

Now, it’s not a big deal if she breaks one or two of the rules, as the damage can be managed appropriately, and hurt feelings can still be minimized. Occasionally, however, a woman will seemingly make it her goal to break every single one.

Linda was one of these women. I met her while out on a typical Friday night. She was cute. Nothing special, but the more I drank, the better she looked. She played the game just enough to keep me interested until we went home together.

The next morning, we ran through the motions: “I like you, you like me”… “I’m not looking for anything serious”… “neither am I”… and so on. I made it clear that this was going to be pretty casual for me. And she seemed to be in perfect agreement.

But it didn’t take long for her to start messing it all up, as I received the following text a few days later:

“Are you on facebook :) :) :)”

Oh, look, the first rule….

Rule #1: Don’t try to be friends with me on Facebook

I’m not trying to hide anything from her. I’m just trying to hide her from anyone who knows me. The baseline requirement of a booty call is that she’s available when I want her, and invisible when I don’t. If I need to disappear for a while, I shouldn’t have to explain why I’m not calling her.

Whatever, no big deal. Text ignored. Hopefully, my lack of acknowledgement gets the point across.

“Private profile?!? How am I supposed to see what he’s doing every single minute of the day now?”

Nope. A few more days later:

“So what are you doing this weekend? :D”

“Having some friends over for a dinner party, nothing big. U?”

“Really?!? Maybe I could stop by :) :)”

*Sigh*

Rule #2: Don’t expect to meet my friends

I don’t even want strangers to see us in public together. If I only want to see her when it’s dark out and I’m wasted, what makes her think I want my friends to meet her? And possibly even interact with her? That doesn’t even make drunk sense.

Text ignored. Again.

“I wonder if it’s too late to tell them she’s just a friend from out of town.”

Several weeks go by, and after a hard night of partying and a lack of results, I give her a late-night ring. Strangely, she doesn’t answer. Oh, well. Time for a good night’s sleep.

The next day….

“Hey! I saw that you called last night :) Sorry I didn’t pick up, I was sleeping! What are you up to today?!”

Damn it.

Rule #3 No rain checks

Our “encounters” are strictly spur-of-the-moment. There are no reservations, no rescheduling. If I call her at 3:00 am, and she doesn’t answer, she has a 30-minute window to get back to me. Past that 30-minute mark, she should just pretend like I never called, because at that point, I’M SLEEPING. I don’t want to talk to her the next day, and I certainly don’t want to hang out with her in broad daylight… or really at all.

Once again, the magic of text messages is that they’re so easily ignored.

“Four missed calls last night? I should probably call him back… and text him at least twice… maybe email him, too?”

A few more weeks go by before I’m in need of our “relationship” again, so I call her up, and she invites me over. As I’m in the bathroom cleaning up afterwards, I hear her from the other room.

“Are you gonna stay the night? I wanna cuddle…”

*Sigh*

Rule #4: Don’t expect a sleepover

The problem here is that I may not be attracted to her when I’m sober. Well, guess what happens when I pass out drunk and wake up six hours later? I’M SOBER. (Well, mostly sober.)

So that means I don’t want to see her when I wake up. It also means I definitely don’t want to cuddle.

If I go over to her place, I’ll be leaving as soon as we’re done. And if she comes over to my place and doesn’t leave as soon as we’re done, I’ll be passing out with the hope that my bed is empty when I wake up.

“No, sorry, I have trouble sleeping in unfamiliar beds.”

It’s an excuse, but it’s true.

“Okay, fine, maybe another night.”

“If I just stare at the ceiling long enough, maybe she’ll think I’m sleeping and then leave.”

Around this time, I start dating a couple other women I’m actually into, so I stop contacting her for a few months. After things start going downhill with those two, I pop back up on Linda’s radar with a text one late, drunken Friday night. She doesn’t respond. I text her again the next night, and this time she writes back.

“It seems there was about 2 months you couldn’t spare time for me so… you’re gonna have to try a little harder if you want some of my time.”

Oh, puh-lease. “Try a little harder”?

Rule #5: Don’t try to play hard-to-get

Playing hard-to-get only works when I like someone and don’t quite know how much she likes me. In that case, taking a while to respond to a call or a text will generally keep me interested. If she’s already established a pattern of being available 24/7, then playing hard-to-get NO LONGER WORKS.

I drop the conversation and don’t respond. A week later, I get a text from her.

“Hey! I don’t have to work tonight :) do you wanna come over?”

So much for having to try harder….

The reason we were even in this situation is because I had shown the tiniest bit of interest in her, and she was willing to accept that. Was I just using her for sex? Of course. But I made it clear that sex was all I wanted from her, and she agreed to it. That, as far as I’m concerned, was the extent of my responsibility to consider her feelings. Beyond that, it was her choice to either accept our arrangement or move on.

I treated her like someone I only wanted to have drunken sex with because, after all, that’s what a booty call is.

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85 thoughts on “The Ricktastic Guide To Proper Booty Call Etiquette

  1. Actually, it sounds like she was booty calling you right back, Rick, but you didn’t even know it. It doesn’t sound like she was making an emotional demands on you, just asserting her own interest in hooking up as well. Just because she wants to hook at a time that is inconvenient for you (or just because you didn’t initiate it), doesn’t meant she is violating some rules of booty calling. I admit her comment about the two months was a little passive agressive, but really not all that over top and she’s perfectly entitled to tease you a bit after you disappeared for two months.

    No, the real problem here is that you just didn’t like this woman very much, so everything she did annoyed you.

    • I did know it and this is where the line between friends with benefits and booty calls becomes an issue. To me, FWB (friends with benefits) implies a two-way street: I can call her to hang out/bang out, she can call me. In a FWB situation we like spending time with each other outside of the bedroom, but not enough that I would ever call her my “girlfriend” and me her “boyfriend” so in that case we literaly are friends WITH benefits.

      Cliff notes: a booty call is a one-way street, friends with benefits is a two-way street

    • Correct me if I’m wrong, but I have a hard time believing that you told her the sexual nature of the relationship was only for your benefit. And when she texted you things that you believed broke booty call etiquette, rather than setting her straight or communicating to her (even briefly in a text) that she may have had the wrong impression, you didn’t do that.

      I get that booty calls are supposed to be hassle free and selfish, this one just strikes me as completely selfish. And it seems like it would have been less hassle to send her a quick, “I don’t think we’re on the same page with this thing…” than to keep fielding confused messages from her.

    • “And it seems like it would have been less hassle to send her a quick, “I don’t think we’re on the same page with this thing…” than to keep fielding confused messages from her.”

      This gets back to my point – he doesn’t want to be straightforward with her, because then there is a good risk that she won’t go along with it.

      He gives her just enough that she doesn’t realize that she’s only a “cum sponge” to him. For example, he obviously responds to her texts normally, because he pointed out that he didn’t reply to a few of the ones that broke the rules. His behavior is contradicting what he claims to view the situation in his article and in the comments, because if it was only a one-way street for his benefit, and he’s made that so clear to her, his only texts to her would be late at night when he’s looking for his booty call. But, they’re not so again, I think he’s misleading her.

    • It’s taken quite a few situations like this to get me to be more straight forward (this one being over a year ago). I’m more blunt when it comes to what I want now, but I still have my slip ups.

    • Then if you admit that you made mistakes with Linda and booty call etiquette, why would you use this as the example in your article?

    • 3 reasons:
      1) I still believe in the rules
      2) The most recent/severe breaking of the rules took place only a few months ago, but she didn’t break all of them so Linda was a better example
      3) This is one of those situations that has taught me to be more straight forward.

    • Ok, I’m late but I just want to say I’ve had many, many booty calls and only a few tried to enact the “one way street” rule and they ended quickly. The difference I see between a booty call and FWB is the FWB you want to hang out with, booty call you don’t. Not this one way street nonsense. Women can use men for sex just as much as men can use women and they don’t have to get all emotional about it.

      Also, I’ve used the “I’m not looking for anything serious” line to indicate that you will never be able to call me your girlfriend, not that I’m just in it for sex. Essentially, telling this person he can be a FWB, not my bf so I can see if other girls thought that way too.

  2. Why did you even tell her that you like her the next morning? (I found it ironic that you spent the night, since it contradicted Rule #4.) If you’re such an honest guy, just straight up tell her _exactly_ that you only are planning on using her for sex. Then she can decide if she wants to be in agreement with “that deal”. There’s no reason to bring any interest or emotion into the discussion, like you did that morning after the first hook-up.

    It seems like you’re intentionally vague and misleading, and you hedge it by saying, “I don’t want anything serious.” That line doesn’t automatically mean, “I will only use you as booty call.” I think you use that line because you’re not sure where you want the “relationship” to go, so you want to bide yourself some time while being able to throw that out if she has different expectations than you do.

    This all seems like a game to you.

    • I dunno. I’m not convinced that he has any sort of “obligation” to tell her in no uncertain terms that he only wants her for sex. I mean, let’s face it, interactions between men and women are all about euphemisms and hints and double-entendres. I think “I’m not looking for anything serious” is, in fact, about as clear as a guy can get without actually being insulting.

      I mean, the sole reason dating blogs and advice sites exist is to help people decipher the opposite sex. If everyone were always clear about their intentions, all of these sites would go out of business.

      So, I’m siding with Rick on this one. I think he made it clear enough, and the girl was simply ignoring all the red flags that his words and actions were throwing up.

    • But, _he_ thinks he was explicitly clear and says, “But I made it clear that sex was all I wanted from her, and she agreed to it. That, as far as I’m concerned, was the extent of my responsibility to consider her feelings.”

      My point is that he _didn’t_ make it as clear as he’s trying to claim. He’s portraying himself as the “honest guy” in all of this, and those “crazy women” are once again breaking all of these rules.

    • I agree, he didn’t make it as clear as he could’ve, but personally, I thought it was pretty clear. Then again, maybe it’s because I’m a guy, and I know guyspeak.

      Certainly, though, from my own experiences (and this applies to both men and women saying it), “I’m not looking for anything serious” pretty much means “come into this with zero expectations, or you will be disappointed.”

      It’s harsh, but that’s just how it works when it comes to dating.

    • I agree with Dennis 100%, communication between men and women is ever rarely straight forward… trying to understand each other is part of the fun, but can be incredibly frustrating.

      And yes, PFG-SCR, all of it is a game to me… Life is a game, and taking games seriously leads to kids crying and people throwing dice when they don’t get boardwalk or park place.

  3. I think other people have touched on the miscommunication issue, so I won’t harp on that. More than anything, it seems like booty calls are a one way street to you. You can booty call her, but she can’t booty call you? Basically, it seems like everything has to be on your terms.

    I think the rules are good ones to follow, but I think there are some important ones that you left out. And just because she didn’t play exactly by the guidelines that you believe in (which you didn’t exactly communicate to her), doesn’t mean she was breaking the code. Maybe she believes more in the give and take, and less in the take, take, take.

    Okay, I guess I did harp on the miscommunication.

  4. I can’t think of any person I’ve ever talked to who thinks on going booty calls are one way streets. No one in their right mind would agree to being used as a (as someone so eloquently said) cum sponge.

    It’s not that you play games and don’t communicate the rule properly. It’s that you make up a game with its own rules and call it the same thing as a much older game.

    Just silly.

    • I don’t know what to tell you other than I have other priorities in my life. I would rather sit at home and read a book on a Friday night than have sober sex with a booty call.

      As for the second part, yes, I like my rules, not only for my games but for life in general, because my rules provide me with more entertainment than society’s rules.

    • Eh

      My rules make sense to some and not so much to others.

      It comes down to the simple fact that, like you said, no one in their right mind would agree to being used as a cum sponge, and over the course of a few weeks to a few months these girls realize it’s not a two-way street and they jet. I would do the same in their shoes.

    • Soooo you basically think that it’s okay for you to use people for your pleasure, in an entirely one-sided and selfish way, and if their feelings get hurt, no big deal because you told them already you weren’t looking for something “serious”?

      Ok. Good luck with that. I hope you don’t conduct business, friendships, academics, or, pretty much any other facet of your life in that way, because you’ll be screwed, and not in the booty call sense.

    • There are no absolutes in life, everything is relative.

      The feelings of people close to me are of a higher priority and concern to me than those of people who let me walk all over them.

  5. The comments following this entry are more interesting than the entry itself! (No offense to the author at all)

    In my opinion it comes down to whether actions speak louder than words or not. It’s my experience that people think they do when it suits them and they don’t when it doesn’t.

    The whole point of saying “I’m not looking for anything serious” is to clarify any actions which may contradict that notion in the future. The words are there to clarify the following actions so you don’t need to apply personal interpretation them.

    Could the author have been more clear initially? Maybe, probably even. Having said that, “not looking for anything serious” is in my experience the universally recognised kind way of saying “this was/is just sex and nothing else” for both men and women. I’ve tried being more clear in my life and in response have only gotten some variation of “yeah, I’m not stupid” or “I’m not a kid, I know what this was” etc. For those arguing that Linda may have been only looking for a booty call herself, I think the facebook request and the request to meet his mates in particular pretty much conclusively argues against that…or at least suggests that hers and his idea of a booty call was completely different.

    • Thanks for the thought out response. Needless to say, I agree with everything you’ve said.

      And if you want to see some interesting comments check out my first piece “If You Chase Me, You’ll Never Catch Me.” That turned into quite the discussion…

    • I agree 100%. Almost always the woman is hoping it will turn into something more. And with little self-respect to boot. Women who can have FWB and ONS to begin with are lying to themselves. Of course, I suppose there is always the exception- if not for that, there would be no hope.
      ONS anyone? ;)

  6. Saying “I like you” the next morning–not honest.
    You set yourself up for this one and then bitched that it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, yet you didn’t set her straight ‘cuz you didn’t want her to stop having sex with you… nice. Real nice.

    By the way your rules are BS unless you make sure the other person knows them too. I text and Facebook guys I hook up with (every once in a while, and not necessarily to hook up.) Strangely enough they actually reply.

    The way I see it: you’re better off hooking up with people you actually find attractive (yeah, it’s not gonna happen every time, but at least you won’t get yourself into some annoying, deceitful problem.) You’ll be happy to wake up next to them in the morning. They’re more likely to come hook up with you because they don’t think you’re a disrespectful douche.

    • I didn’t set her straight because I didn’t care enough to. Yeah, I understand my tone comes across as “bitchy” but it’s not like I sat around crying and moaning every time a rule was broken. I looked at my phone, shook my head in disappointment, made a joke to whoever was near me, and then put it away (and then amused myself and others by eventually writing the piece on my website as well as this one).

      I find the “bitchy” tone entertaining, but I guess some take it more seriously than others.

      The rules are not rules in the typical sense. They, like the many other “rules” I have for various types of relationships (friends, family, romantic, etc), are simply my way of filtering people in and out of my life… baseline requirements, if you will. They are not to be explicitly stated to an individual because I see no need to have someone change their behavior just for me. I use my “rules” to decide whether or not I want to maintain said relationship.

      If a relationship is very important to me (ie friends, family, significant other) I’ll make it a point to discuss the issue.

      If a relationship is not important to me (ie acquaintance, booty call, new romantic interest) I’ll make it a point to start excluding that person from my life once rules start getting broken.

    • then you have just contradicted yourself. Based on what you seem to be saying, you seem to be saying that you dont care at all about the “booty calls”, yet you seem to bother because you are complaining about her. what is the point of this ENTIRE essay if its not to moan/complain? you’re complaining that she’s “breaking your rules”. Its not like we go online to look for your name and your essays to listen to you. i’m only here in the first place because i was doing research and stumbled upon the page. if you thought of this sharing (your essay), in my opinion your’e grieviously mistaken. i quote “Occasionally, however, a woman will seemingly make it her goal to break every single one.

      Linda was one of these women.”
      if this is not complaining, then i clearly have not understood its definition.

      and regarding your point of people not being important in your life, i think that although that is true, you seem to derive joy from their emotional/mental torture. i know you did say that it would be an emotionless thing, not even a relationship, and that you dont care for the opposite party, but even so i think you should define the boundaries of the relationship. like, explain/define all the rules to the opposite party. i mean, why cause YOURSELF all that trouble and irritation when the opposite party wants a booty call? if your rules were set in stone people would KNOW and understand your rules and not break them, hence, your booty calls would be emotionless and you’d be happy wont you? and the opposite party wont even need to get hurt. i quote “and hurt feelings can still be minimized”
      i’m not an advocate of what your’e doing anyway, but it IS your life.

    • The point of the piece was to “entertain.” If it came across as primarily complaining/bitching/moaning then oh well.

      I’m not going to define/explain the rules to every girl I hook up with, that’s a silly waste of time on my part. I have no problem just dropping a girl if she starts to violate my rules. “Linda” was a year or two ago now, I don’t put up with the same shit I used to.

      Plus, with women like Linda, I get more entertainment out of my interactions with them than I do having sex with them. Crazy girls are funny.

  7. Oh c’mon, guys. This is the oldest story in the book. Girl with low self esteem meets “unattainable” guy. She drinks to build her confidence, he drinks to lower his standards. Afraid of scaring him off by making any demands like…I don’t know… asking him to take her on a date or have a decent conversation or show her any respect whatsoever, she sleeps with him, thinking surely that will snag this trophy of a man. She talks herself into believing at that point, no matter what he says in the morning, that sex will have him hooked, and there is no way he won’t ask her out again.

    And the mad cycle continues. Every time he makes contact, she ignores the signs of what he’s looking for. The problem here is not communication — after all, communication comes in more than the form of words. Rick was being an ass, and he was very up front about it. She CHOSE to ignore that and invited him over again, in some deluded hope that this could somehow still turn into a respectful relationship.

    The problem, to be perfectly honest, is that too many women have low self esteem and constantly settle for less than they deserve, which allows guys like Rick to get what they want at closing time. We need to start teaching girls from a young age that it’s okay to demand more from a potential suitor. And, if a guy is not willing to give it her, having sex with him won’t teach him a lesson. At least, not the lesson they want.

    On the flip side, if girls just want to have casual sex with a guy, they should make sure to print a copy of these rules to hand him once the deed is done. Because when it comes to booty calls, I think Rick’s nailed it. (Pun intended.)

  8. Wow Rick, I’ve read both articles and comments on both and let’s be honest, people don’t love you. But here’s why I (we?) don’t: I know you. Only in my life your name is Sean and as I am playing the role of Linda, it is pretty painful to realize what I’ve always suspected: you have absolutely zero regard for my feelings or any pain repeatedly dashing a fragile hope causes. Even if I/Linda am a pathetic loser for nursing that hope.

  9. Your rules for booty call etiquette are pretty complete, IHMO, but I’d add a 6th rule: read the other person.

    It’s all fine and dandy until feelings develop. I’m not harping on what you could have done differently because you’ve already said it/owned up to it yourself in the comments, but I wanna point out that when the other person is digging more than just your booty (that came out wrong), then it’s no longer booty call territory for them.

    At this point, bring up the feelings instead of waiting for them to “get it” (it being the rules). Then, either the rules change or you change to another girl (nicely, diplomatically and tactfully, of course). Stringing her along is not proper form, in any kind of relationship.

    Before I get all mighty on my high horse, I’ll just add that I once quit my job to avoid dealing with a co-worker, who I’d been sleeping with, when feelings developed. So cliche, right. Admitedly, feelings have a weird place in casual relationships, but it’s important to bring them up so everyone can continue having fun! And no one loses their job.

    PS I don’t know about calling someone after 2 months though, lol. That’s a long time. If your first text after months of silence was asking for a booty call, I don’t blame her for chiding you. It’s just so blunt. Booty call rules or not, at least try make her feel A LITTLE special. Consider it foreplay :)

    • I agree, the main incidents this article is based on took place over a year ago and since then I’ve had some pretty unfavorable experiences and more-or-less avoid getting into these types of “relationships” now.

      The “relationships” I find myself in now are still casual, but I genuinely like the women I’m with and I make it clear I’m not looking for anything serious.

  10. Just picked up this link via Dennis on the Dear Wendy site. Thanks for the link Dennis because, WOW, this is a great post.

    People can bash Rick and I agree that he’s not very likeable in this story (to say the least) but I REALLY appreciate the bold honesty. That is not easy and like Dennis says, not a lot men like Rick would bother. So I welcome this somewhat rare insight into this mindset.

    Like many of you, I read this account as ringing VERY loud and true. And as Katie said so well, it is indeed the oldest story in the book! So true. But not discussed enough from the MALE point of view.

    It’s too easy to dismiss guys as assholes without analyzing how these things happen in the first place. There is nothing wrong with casual sex and nothing wrong with wanting WAY more than that. The problem comes in when the two are confused.

    Did Rick know she wanted more and take advantage of her low self-esteem to keep sex on tap? YES. Is that despicable? Yup.

    Did she absolutely let him get away with it? BINGO.

    Both sexes would do well to call it as they see it and then act accordingly.

    WOMEN should recognize that booty calls are a dime a dozen for most of us. There is CERTAINLY no reason to keep a jerk around when there are plenty of nicer dudes willing to offer casual sex –if that’s what you’re after. And if you want more than that, go find it in more promising places than late night bars.

    MEN like Rick could stand to grow an ounce of integrity and walk away when they sense unreciprocated feelings have developed.

    It’s a predatory scenario to be sure. But the would-be “victims” would do well to learn these rules so they can make informed choices –rather than relying on the good will of their drunken booty calls.

    • Thanks, Jess. I’m glad you see the value of the story that Rick is telling here. Instead of just ripping on him for being a douchebag, women should thank him for sharing his perspective, because it’s certainly not one that they will get very often.

    • Thank you, Jess. I’m aware my writing doesn’t make me come across as very likeable to those who don’t know me, but I’m glad you also saw the underlying theme here.

      Not that what I am about to say excuses my actions in any way, but I have a very strong personality that needs to be reigned in on occasion. And by that I mean unless someone pushes back (as my friends and family do) I unconsciously become more and more of an attention-craving, self-absorbed, egotistical asshole.

      A little more conscious thought on my part would go a long way in correcting that, but for now I’m pretty satisfied with all aspects of my life so if all it takes is a little sit-down-talk from the people who love me then I can live with that.

      My personality naturally wants to push boundaries… or to take responsibility for it, I like to push boundaries… and the more a woman pushes back the more I respect her and the more I like her. It’s slightly twisted, but that’s how my mind works for right now. My point is a lot of women just don’t provide any resistance so inevitably I end up treating them however they allow me to treat them.

      However, if I truly care about a woman I end things before it gets to that point because I’ve seen the pain it causes, as well as been on the receiving end a couple times.

      And like I noted somewhere else, besides one night stands I now generally avoid getting into situations with women like Linda.

  11. I wish I knew this when I was in college. It would have helped avoid a broken heart. If sex is all you want and a girl clearly wants more, be a good person and spare her. Don’t string her along.

    • That’s a touching sentiment, but I also think you’re being kind of idealistic in asking Rick to be a “good” person.

      Yes, it’s great that he’s sharing his perspective here, but realistically how many douchebag guys do you think are going to be reading blogs like this and thinking, “Oh, wow, I never considered these women’s feelings. Maybe I shouldn’t string them along after all?”

      I wouldn’t count on–nor would I ask–the players out there to change their ways, because it’s not their obligation to. If women don’t want to feel like they’re getting strung along, then they’re the ones who need to learn the harsh lessons here. That’s why this piece is directed at the Lindas of the world, not the Ricks.

  12. I think it just goes to show how little Rick thinks of himself to devalue himself by having sex with women he already thinks are below him. Why would you “lower” yourself to sleep with a woman when you are so obviously capable of having sex with Supermodels? Did you ever stop to think that she needs to be drunk to have sex with you?

    And maybe, just maybe she asked if you have a facebook because she thought this guy certainly doesn’t have a lot of friends maybe I will help him out. Really? Are you that good that Linda was hanging on to you for dear life? Seems to me she could live without you for two months, why not the rest of her life?

    Linda is just being human and to fault her for that is ridiculous. She didn’t want to emotionally connect with you. She was being a human. Maybe that is something you might want to try, Rick.

    • First things first, I do prefer my women fit or slender, but supermodels are too skinny.

      Secondly, I always get a laugh out of comments like this that try to flip the script on me.

      If she needed to be drunk to have sex with me then I sure as hell didn’t pick up on it (unless you’re referring to the night we met, in which case yes, we were both drunk). Maybe I should have made her drive instead…

      Yes, I am that good. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that. I know I’m not the best, but having a passion for something like sex or pleasuring a woman makes for a strong desire to do a “thorough” job. I know that makes it sound mechanical, or inhuman, and in cases like these booty call incidents it probably was some of the nights, but 99% of the time I make sure whoever I’m with is satisfied before I finish.

      BUT hypothetically, if I wasn’t that good, then women probably shouldn’t be feeding my ego with all of their moaning, screaming, cumming, texting, and intimate compliments.

      Next, I am VERY selective when it comes to women I add on facebook because my sex/dating life is extremely public so just flirting or hooking up with me is NOT a good enough reason for me to add someone. I actually have to like her enough to first explain my facebook and website. If I don’t care enough about her to do that, I won’t be adding her and she’ll most likely never find out about my website. (Dennis and Katie can attest to the extreme nature of my presence on facebook… I don’t exactly “hide” my personality, or the “events” in my sex life.)

      Anyway, Linda did manage to live without me for two months, but she was still texting me during that time… I just ignored her texts because I was seeing other women.

      I’m not even sure what you’re trying to imply by that last paragraph, but I assure you I’m not a robot. Robots this sexy haven’t even been invented yet.

  13. I don’t care who you choose to add or not add to your facebook. I am just pointing out that just because she asked if you have a facebook doesn’t make her clingy or ignorant of the rules of a booty call. Maybe you should be that selective when you are deciding who or what you put your penis into. I didn’t mean to imply that YOU don’t think that you please the woman. I am merely suggesting that you are not the first booty call to claim that he is attentive, but in reality you are just average.

    It seems to me that you don’t pick up on much of anything except to stroke your own ego, so no I wouldn’t expect that you would notice if Linda needed to be drunk to have sex with you. And as far as women needing to feed your ego, I think you have that covered all on your own. I am not slighting you for having booty calls. It is your complete denial as to your part in the process that I aim my comments. Linda allowed herself to be used and you used her. But blaming her for not knowing YOUR rules of a booty call completely leaving yourself without any responsibly is narcissistic.

    The point isnt how good the sex is, who consented to what, or even how sexy you think you are. The point is that making a blanket statement does not make you any less responsible for your own actions. If she was not facebook worthy, why make her penis worthy. I think Linda would be VERY lucky to never hear from you again.

    The being human comment was directed at your lack of acknowledgment that people don’t act how we want or even how we expect them to act just because you want it that way. If she violated your first rule, then immediate action should have been taken on your part to “boot” her right off your “call” list. So as I see it, by “allowing” her to continue to “violate” your rules, you have no room to complain.

  14. So I just stumbled upon this, and at the risk of belatedly just echoing pretty much everything that everyone else has said… Your article made me sigh and chuckle and grind my teeth all at the same time.

    I’ve been with guys like you. I’ve been with plenty of guys who think nothing like you (including friends with benefits and one-night stands). The truth of the matter is, people approach sex and what it means very differently. Feeling out a new relationship (or a new f.w.b.) is a convoluted process because you never know what game the other person is playing. There are no rules, only guidelines… guidelines which when followed too carefully can have people missing great opportunities. Romantically and sexually. For every person who laments that people don’t follow “the rules,” (which vary through individual experiences, age groups, regions, particular friendship groups, and subcultures), there is someone probably living three doors down who made a connection, romantic or sexual, that started because they didn’t follow your or anyone else’s rules. Maybe not even their own. And they are totally happy about it.

    That’s not to say that sexual partners don’t have some responsibility to end things when he/she realizes their encounters were not satisfying (although, since you were not entirely forthcoming with her, and took no time to actually even hold a real conversation post-coitus with her, you don’t even know what she really wanted). But I’ve been in that position: the sexual partner who gets calls and occasional texts, or who fell into bed with someone early on after having what seemed to be a real connection. I may have been into him or not, but asking to be Facebook friends with someone or seeing if they want to hang out is sometimes just a polite, non-creepy way of testing the waters to see how the other person feels about things. Truthfully, I would’ve been a lot less “clingy” had I just gotten the unfiltered truth. Most people are going to be hurt, but aren’t going to stick around trying to push something that’s absolutely never going to happen.

    The part of the story that makes me feel more angry and less bemused by your piece is the fact that you have honestly admitted that you don’t care how your sexual partner feels at all. To me, that translates into not caring how she feels about being a booty call, about whether she feels romantically attached to you, about whether or not she even thinks casual sex is a type of sexual behavior she feels comfortable with. I think we can both agree that the girl in the story was probably thinking that there was potential for something romantic between you two… and letting her continue to think that was cruel and dishonest. The kindest thing you could have done for her is to end it in as straightforward a way as possible, as anyone knows who has been into another person without reciprocation.

    Personally, I would never knowingly enter into a “booty call” scenario; there’s no appeal in it for me. I would have one-night stands (in which case I would want to talk to the person a minimal amount) and on rare occasions I would do friends-with-benefits. But I don’t see much actual benefit to a booty call. The arrangement seems rare, and complicated, because of the lack of communication but the continuing ongoing nature of it. I don’t actually know a lot of people who have had a regular booty call like what you’re talking about, because they almost never work out like that. If a guy chats me up for a while, and it seems like we have a real connection and then we have good sex, I’m going to assume there’s a chance for something more there; I don’t see any logical reason why I wouldn’t. If he admits after that he only wanted sex the whole time, I’m going to think he’s an asshole, and not want to ever see him again, much less have sex with him, and then get over it and forget about him. If he leaves without saying anything about it, and never calls me back, I’m going to think he’s an even bigger asshole, feel hurt, get over it, etc.

    If he says something vague and trite like “I’m not looking for anything serious,” I’m going to initially assume that means this was a one-night-stand, and then repeat the above steps. Part of me is going to know that when a lot of men (especially younger men) say that, it means exactly what you’re saying. But by all means, not every person who says something like that means that exactly. Sometimes it means, “I have a lot going on right now, I just got out of a long-term relationship, I might still be trying to work things out with my ex, etc., and I haven’t thought beyond five minutes from now, though I might be more into you later, who knows?” Sometimes it’s, “I’m moving across the country in three months, and I don’t do long-distance, but you’re fun and this is fun, and let’s hang until then.” And sometimes people are just slow to warm up to the idea of commitment, which is normal and common. I’ve been in situations where I almost or did lose a guy because I thought all the signs pointed to something being just sex. Even people who are interested in dating don’t always communicate that desire well, especially if falling into bed together happened really early on, which most people realize, and another reason they try to tentatively communicate like your previous partner did.

    If I don’t hear back from the guy, or if he doesn’t ask for my number/give me his, I’m going to assume it’s the latter. If he does… other experiences have given me more than enough reason to at least consider that he’s interested in me as more than a hole, or in seeing what happens next, etc. In large part because plenty of people simply don’t do booty calls at all, women or men. If you want casual sex, you do it, it’s done, that’s it. If you want more, you reach out. If you want continual casual sex, you go to friend or suck it up and realize your going to have to be friends with someone. Some people, like you, think the booty call is truly attainable, but there’s no way you can say it works for two people because by virtue of your definition, you don’t really communicate with the person at all… and you certainly can’t be “disappointed” that people misinterpret your signals when they don’t participate in the same sexual behaviors you do. We have to also take into account that sex happening very early on in a potential relationship is not rare, nor is having sex with someone before either partner knows exactly what they want from this connection. But most people don’t look over at their partner right afterwards and announce, “Yup! I really do like you! Let’s go steady.” Even after sex, lots of new potential couples try not to rush things, not to push the other person, and sometimes they don’t know where they really stand with the other person. All in all, post-sex awkwardness, confusion, and miscommunication can be present regardless of how people feel or where it’s heading. It’s inconvenient for everyone, not just booty calls, which makes it easy to confuse casual sex with the tentative beginnings of something more.

    To sum up: next time, instead of purposefully being vague about your intentions with someone who has done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment, except make the sad mistake of taking you seriously, maybe you should take the high road and check out what’s on Redtube. Masturbation tends to cause minimal hurt feelings or miscommunications. And you don’t even have to dress up, buy yourself drinks, or leave the house.

    • Jacking off to Redtube doesn’t provide me with the same level of entertainment as does interacting with people.

      Also, I love dressing up, buying myself drinks and getting out of the house every now and then, so looks like there’s no hope for me.

  15. Is this article real? I understand that guys think this, and do this, but that doesn’t make it right… just because you are being honest or told the girl up front. There is a reason why lust is a sin…. not because God doesn’t want people to love, but because he knows how humans hurt each other. She may have been doing booty call right back at you, or she really liked you and didn’t know how to say no. (See 1st article of this website of articles…) You may not have any children (that you know of) but one day I hope you have a daughter so you can understand why you need to ask forgiveness for the treatment of females that you are doing now. God loves you anyway, but hopes you will see the light.

  16. Pingback: How to Tell If a Guy Actually Likes You | Dating & Relationships in NYC

  17. Wow, you sound just like a sociopath lawyer I used to date– single, acting just like you, at 38. Your narcissism is out of control, dude. Get some respect. Nothing you say makes sense. You will probably die alone and I feel sorry for you.

    I hope you find a good woman one day that you don’t view as an object.

    Also, you might want to look into discussing your “rules” with a therapist. It’s not healthy to have “shoulds” and so many boundaries.

    • I have plenty of women in my life I don’t view as objects… and luckily, plenty of others that I do view as objects. I like to keep a nice balance.

    • Therapy! Why do people always suggest therapy when they don’t agree with someone else’s life? You sleep around and tell the truth about it, Rick. You need therapy.

      Chill out, girlfriend!
      I don’t think he physically carries a list of rules around in his pocket, pulling it out when a girl suggests a sleepover and saying “Haven’t you read the rules? It’s time for you to go.”

      Or maybe he does. I mean, it would certainly get me to check myself and head out.

  18. You sound like a treat… All about you isn’t it, what you want. Woman also have needs, but you only want to be there when you are in the mood. You broke the rules. I’m sure that is how you have sex too.

  19. I know this is far beyond the relevant time for comments, but I just want to tell you I come back to this article periodically. It has become a reference tool to flesh out the true motivations of the current fella in my life. Despite the previous comments indicating your douche-ness for not being more clear about your one way street sex intentions, the real life implications are incredibly useful as the pseudo-empowerment Linda assigns to herself is the tool I use to sometimes excuse my acceptance of the subpar treatment. Though I am not a proactive Linda, I have been guilty of accepting the rule violations when offered (confirming friend requests, meeting friends, et al). Because of this article, I have become aware of these signals and am way more heads up about the reality of any booty call or FWB arrangements.

    So… Thanks for your honesty, resident douche bag! I truly appreciate the view from the other side of the coin.

  20. its pretty clear that Rick is a Class A Dick. He wants a woman available 24/7 for his sexual convenience w/o any consideration whatsoever. There are well-paid women who do this for a living. They are called Prostitutes. Rick should pay for one, rather than taking advantage of unsuspecting females! He’s a selfish slimeball!

    • For the amount working women charge there is far better sex available out there for the cost of a couple shots of tequila (for me), or dinner (if she wants to cook it for me).

  21. I personally found this article helpful, I’m new at this & I like that he’s being honest about it.

  22. Apparently you were born with a lot more hormones than humanity. You don’t even offer a sufficient “thank you ma’am, after your wham-bam.

  23. Rick, I have to admit that I’d be the one to be a good little bootycall before breaking the rules and developing “feelings.” I would blame myself, apologize for breaking your rules, and hope to be given “another chance” to play it your way (without feeling or attachment.) Of course you would oblige, same rules in play, you are more than clear…except that I would go on hoping you might develop actual feeling. Yep, that’s some low self esteem, and this article is actually pretty damn good for the Linda-likes in the world. My question is, Rick, (not to argue, I appreciate your candor, I just really want to understand) once you know a girl is a “feeler,” WHY keep calling her back? If you know she tends to get attached and see too much in you post booty call, then why call her again and initiate another encounter when you don’t want any of the feelings that you know she’ll bring? You’re adept at reading women, and you have more than enough options…so why call the rule-breakers, the “Lindas,” back? Thanks in advance for your reply, your perspective is very enlightening.

    • I apologize for taking so long to reply so I hope you’ll eventually see this response.

      When I wrote this piece originally I was in a much different place in my life – mentally and emotionally – so as I read back over this it’s much more a source of entertainment than any real set of guidelines I follow at this point.

      If a girl started getting clingy now I would address it or remove myself from the situation completely.

      But then again I don’t attract those types of girls anymore so it’s not something I’ve had to deal with for a long time now. If anything I’m the one who gets clingy from time to time.

  24. I can respect a guy that is straight with me about his intentions like Rick. Then it is on me to choose if I want to hook up with him or not. If I choose to have sex with him, he will go in the same category he’s putting me in.
    What isn’t cool is when a guy trying to act is if he wants a relationship with you only to hook up. That’s just being an asshole. Girls can use guys too…I have in my younger days. It can really bruise a guy’s ego when they expect you to call the next day and you don’t call at all, then they are calling asking why you haven’t flip the script on them ladies!

  25. I originally typed up this huge explanation of NPD and all PD’s, but I realized my explanation would probably only come off as an attempt to “change” the author, when really, as someone in the helping profession, my first instinct is to approach a situation logically and become a textbook.

    Anyways, I appreciate this article very much so. Not applauding the author’s narcissism, but just acknowledging that it helped me gain insight on my personal situation.

    See, I’m not exactly being faithful to my husband. I’m not being faithful with one of his friends. Who is in a long term relationship and is living with her. We hook up. We started out as friends obviously. We actually used to talk a lot, sometimes even about feelings. Then we started sexting. It was fun. Then things really started getting serious with his current gf. So he cut it off. I was upset. Then about 6 months later, him and his gf came over to our house. As we were sitting across from each other, significant others right beside us, he texted me telling me he was sorry for the way he treated me and were it not for the current situation, would absolutely want to be with me. I fell for it. We started talking again, flirting, and of course sexting. Then we had sex. And it was really good. After that he told me he didn’t want to make a habit of it. I acted like I didn’t care, but of course I did. Stupid female emotions. Not more than a month later, he told me he was very attracted to me, but did not want me to get emotionally attached. Of course I said I wouldn’t, like any overly attached female would say in order to continue a sexually based (maybe more, thinks the female) relationship. So we did some more sexting. Some oral. And just as we were about to have sex again, he called it off, because he was having anxiety about the situation. Once again, I was upset, but based on previous behaviors, I knew it wasn’t done for good. And I was right. Not a few weeks later after coming to hang out with my husband, he wanted to bang again. Of course I said yes. We had some really good sex. Then I noticed his texting behavior change. Rarely texting me. Almost never engaging in a texting conversation with me. Very short replies. So I called him out on it. And he told me to stop over thinking it and that I should stop trying to analyze him because it wasn’t a good idea to try to figure him out. So I dropped it and stopped texting him for a couple weeks. And then he texted me asking me when I was available. And we did more oral stuff. And then we had sex like a week later. And more recently he texted me and invited my husband and I to join him and his girlfriend on a day trip. Which we will be going on shortly.

    And that’s it. Will we do more stuff? Probably. Will I ever learn? Hopefully. But as angry as I am at him for starting things back up a few months again, the only person I have to be angry at is myself.

    I do love my husband, as much as it looks like I don’t. But we got married young. And before him, I had never had sex with another person. Does this excuse my behavior? Absolutely not. I feel awful. I have stress dreams every night. The only person I have to blame is myself though.

    Being in the helping profession, my first instinct is to approach things logically. My second instinct is to help. Sometimes I mix the two up. My first instinct in this situation was to help the man in my situation become less narcissistic. If I would have followed my logical instinct first like I do in most other situations, logic would have reminded me that narcissistic people not only don’t want to be helped, but they can’t be helped.

    This would have saved me a lot of heartbreak and moral confusion.

    So thank you blogger dudeman. Thank you for allowing me to peek inside the mind of someone who clearly displays NPD traits. It’s allowing me to think more intelligently about the person I am, who I’ve been and who I want to be. The documentation of your sexcapades are indeed helpful and I am reminded once again that for everyone 1 person that can be helped, there are 20 or more so people that can’t.

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