The Ricktastic Guide To Proper Booty Call Etiquette

Every now and then, I’ll take a girl home who might not be my #1 pick of the night, but maybe she’s really enthusiastic or just knows how to play the game. Inevitably, we’ll have the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” conversation, and things will go smoothly for at least a few weeks (and by “smoothly,” I mean our interaction is strictly limited to me calling her when I’m drunk and horny).

Things go smoothly, that is, until she starts breaking the rules.

Rules? What rules, you ask?

Good question! Why, the rules of booty calling, of course.

Now, it’s not a big deal if she breaks one or two of the rules, as the damage can be managed appropriately, and hurt feelings can still be minimized. Occasionally, however, a woman will seemingly make it her goal to break every single one.

Linda was one of these women. I met her while out on a typical Friday night. She was cute. Nothing special, but the more I drank, the better she looked. She played the game just enough to keep me interested until we went home together.

The next morning, we ran through the motions: “I like you, you like me”… “I’m not looking for anything serious”… “neither am I”… and so on. I made it clear that this was going to be pretty casual for me. And she seemed to be in perfect agreement.

But it didn’t take long for her to start messing it all up, as I received the following text a few days later:

“Are you on facebook :) :) :)”

Oh, look, the first rule….

Rule #1: Don’t try to be friends with me on Facebook

I’m not trying to hide anything from her. I’m just trying to hide her from anyone who knows me. The baseline requirement of a booty call is that she’s available when I want her, and invisible when I don’t. If I need to disappear for a while, I shouldn’t have to explain why I’m not calling her.

Whatever, no big deal. Text ignored. Hopefully, my lack of acknowledgement gets the point across.

“Private profile?!? How am I supposed to see what he’s doing every single minute of the day now?”

Nope. A few more days later:

“So what are you doing this weekend? :D”

“Having some friends over for a dinner party, nothing big. U?”

“Really?!? Maybe I could stop by :) :)”

*Sigh*

Rule #2: Don’t expect to meet my friends

I don’t even want strangers to see us in public together. If I only want to see her when it’s dark out and I’m wasted, what makes her think I want my friends to meet her? And possibly even interact with her? That doesn’t even make drunk sense.

Text ignored. Again.

“I wonder if it’s too late to tell them she’s just a friend from out of town.”

Several weeks go by, and after a hard night of partying and a lack of results, I give her a late-night ring. Strangely, she doesn’t answer. Oh, well. Time for a good night’s sleep.

The next day….

“Hey! I saw that you called last night :) Sorry I didn’t pick up, I was sleeping! What are you up to today?!”

Damn it.

Rule #3 No rain checks

Our “encounters” are strictly spur-of-the-moment. There are no reservations, no rescheduling. If I call her at 3:00 am, and she doesn’t answer, she has a 30-minute window to get back to me. Past that 30-minute mark, she should just pretend like I never called, because at that point, I’M SLEEPING. I don’t want to talk to her the next day, and I certainly don’t want to hang out with her in broad daylight… or really at all.

Once again, the magic of text messages is that they’re so easily ignored.

“Four missed calls last night? I should probably call him back… and text him at least twice… maybe email him, too?”

A few more weeks go by before I’m in need of our “relationship” again, so I call her up, and she invites me over. As I’m in the bathroom cleaning up afterwards, I hear her from the other room.

“Are you gonna stay the night? I wanna cuddle…”

*Sigh*

Rule #4: Don’t expect a sleepover

The problem here is that I may not be attracted to her when I’m sober. Well, guess what happens when I pass out drunk and wake up six hours later? I’M SOBER. (Well, mostly sober.)

So that means I don’t want to see her when I wake up. It also means I definitely don’t want to cuddle.

If I go over to her place, I’ll be leaving as soon as we’re done. And if she comes over to my place and doesn’t leave as soon as we’re done, I’ll be passing out with the hope that my bed is empty when I wake up.

“No, sorry, I have trouble sleeping in unfamiliar beds.”

It’s an excuse, but it’s true.

“Okay, fine, maybe another night.”

“If I just stare at the ceiling long enough, maybe she’ll think I’m sleeping and then leave.”

Around this time, I start dating a couple other women I’m actually into, so I stop contacting her for a few months. After things start going downhill with those two, I pop back up on Linda’s radar with a text one late, drunken Friday night. She doesn’t respond. I text her again the next night, and this time she writes back.

“It seems there was about 2 months you couldn’t spare time for me so… you’re gonna have to try a little harder if you want some of my time.”

Oh, puh-lease. “Try a little harder”?

Rule #5: Don’t try to play hard-to-get

Playing hard-to-get only works when I like someone and don’t quite know how much she likes me. In that case, taking a while to respond to a call or a text will generally keep me interested. If she’s already established a pattern of being available 24/7, then playing hard-to-get NO LONGER WORKS.

I drop the conversation and don’t respond. A week later, I get a text from her.

“Hey! I don’t have to work tonight :) do you wanna come over?”

So much for having to try harder….

The reason we were even in this situation is because I had shown the tiniest bit of interest in her, and she was willing to accept that. Was I just using her for sex? Of course. But I made it clear that sex was all I wanted from her, and she agreed to it. That, as far as I’m concerned, was the extent of my responsibility to consider her feelings. Beyond that, it was her choice to either accept our arrangement or move on.

I treated her like someone I only wanted to have drunken sex with because, after all, that’s what a booty call is.



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90 comments

  • I like how the Internet just lets any douche have a “blog.”

  • Rick, THANKS for posting this. I really needed this brutally honest cautionary tale from the man’s perspective. I’m one of those women who Dont “get it”. I wasn’t raised with a dad or brothers so have spent my life perpetually confused by men. This is the wake up call I needed to squelch all hope that my current situation will ever develop to my satisfaction. Know that you have helped at least one person to see the light! :-) :-/

  • I originally typed up this huge explanation of NPD and all PD’s, but I realized my explanation would probably only come off as an attempt to “change” the author, when really, as someone in the helping profession, my first instinct is to approach a situation logically and become a textbook.

    Anyways, I appreciate this article very much so. Not applauding the author’s narcissism, but just acknowledging that it helped me gain insight on my personal situation.

    See, I’m not exactly being faithful to my husband. I’m not being faithful with one of his friends. Who is in a long term relationship and is living with her. We hook up. We started out as friends obviously. We actually used to talk a lot, sometimes even about feelings. Then we started sexting. It was fun. Then things really started getting serious with his current gf. So he cut it off. I was upset. Then about 6 months later, him and his gf came over to our house. As we were sitting across from each other, significant others right beside us, he texted me telling me he was sorry for the way he treated me and were it not for the current situation, would absolutely want to be with me. I fell for it. We started talking again, flirting, and of course sexting. Then we had sex. And it was really good. After that he told me he didn’t want to make a habit of it. I acted like I didn’t care, but of course I did. Stupid female emotions. Not more than a month later, he told me he was very attracted to me, but did not want me to get emotionally attached. Of course I said I wouldn’t, like any overly attached female would say in order to continue a sexually based (maybe more, thinks the female) relationship. So we did some more sexting. Some oral. And just as we were about to have sex again, he called it off, because he was having anxiety about the situation. Once again, I was upset, but based on previous behaviors, I knew it wasn’t done for good. And I was right. Not a few weeks later after coming to hang out with my husband, he wanted to bang again. Of course I said yes. We had some really good sex. Then I noticed his texting behavior change. Rarely texting me. Almost never engaging in a texting conversation with me. Very short replies. So I called him out on it. And he told me to stop over thinking it and that I should stop trying to analyze him because it wasn’t a good idea to try to figure him out. So I dropped it and stopped texting him for a couple weeks. And then he texted me asking me when I was available. And we did more oral stuff. And then we had sex like a week later. And more recently he texted me and invited my husband and I to join him and his girlfriend on a day trip. Which we will be going on shortly.

    And that’s it. Will we do more stuff? Probably. Will I ever learn? Hopefully. But as angry as I am at him for starting things back up a few months again, the only person I have to be angry at is myself.

    I do love my husband, as much as it looks like I don’t. But we got married young. And before him, I had never had sex with another person. Does this excuse my behavior? Absolutely not. I feel awful. I have stress dreams every night. The only person I have to blame is myself though.

    Being in the helping profession, my first instinct is to approach things logically. My second instinct is to help. Sometimes I mix the two up. My first instinct in this situation was to help the man in my situation become less narcissistic. If I would have followed my logical instinct first like I do in most other situations, logic would have reminded me that narcissistic people not only don’t want to be helped, but they can’t be helped.

    This would have saved me a lot of heartbreak and moral confusion.

    So thank you blogger dudeman. Thank you for allowing me to peek inside the mind of someone who clearly displays NPD traits. It’s allowing me to think more intelligently about the person I am, who I’ve been and who I want to be. The documentation of your sexcapades are indeed helpful and I am reminded once again that for everyone 1 person that can be helped, there are 20 or more so people that can’t.

    • First off I would just like to thank the author and everyone that posted comments, it was all very entertaining. I am what I would call a former rick and I know from the comments he is a “former” rick himself. I used to have woman that I thought to be beneath me chase me unrelentingly as well. When I was 20-21 I had women 25-30 ditching boyfriends and getting divorces to just try and get a chance at dating me. At the time I thought I had done no wrong and hadn’t even led them on in any way because I would tell them I couldn’t be with someone in a commited relationship. Which was true I was and never will be the cheating type but almost worst than that I was ignorant to others thoughts and feelings. I used the I won’t be the other guy line as an excuse to not date women I had no interest in dating but at the time didn’t realize that they were so enthralled by me that they thought I wanted them to break up with their significant other in order to start a “proper” relationship with me. Of course after they had broken it off I was no closer in wanting them if anything it made me want them even less to be honest, and I would phase them out of my life completely after ruining any chance they had at rekindling any sort of relationship they previously had in hopes that it would prove to me how much they actually wanted to be with me. Of course if they were willing to break it off with their significant others without as much as a second thought then they probably weren’t the best relationships in the first place but that’s beside the point. It took me a while to build up enough respect towards other peoples feelings to just be one hundred percent honest with them in the first place no matter how much it may have hurt them to hear that I wasnt interested I knew it would hurt much less than them going through a messy break-up or divorce before being shot down by the guy they went through it all for in the first place. So although we can be self rightous and say well these girls should have known better and should have had more self-respect than to put themselves in that position and read the signs in the first place, not all of them have gotten to that point of self realization yet and don’t realize how stupid they are being at the time. On the other hand us guys that let them fall into that position very well know exactly how its all going to transpire and that they are fighting for a hopeless cause. So in being the more knowledgable and more responsible because of the knowledge I personally believe that it is our responsibility to be the ones to shut-down any thoughts or hopes the other has in any sort of relationship. It maybe a little over the top but its the same as a person who has knowledge of a murderer or rapist than hasn’t come forth and told anyone being just as guilty as the person who commited the crimes in the first place. Just because its not our feelings that are being hurt doesn’t mean its not up to us to be the ones to prevent or minimize the damage done in the first place, especially since the guy is usually the one that has the upper hand in this situation I believe it is completely up to him to be the one that is straight forward in what he wants and not string someone along just because he doesn’t wanna spend the time finding a new person to fuck that feels the same about the so called relationship as he does. Respect for others is something that a lot of people in this world lack in a major way and some people will never get it but having enough respect for someone to tell them like it it can be life changing for all parties involved especially when it comes to relationships. Thank you again for the great read and I hope the story and all the comments will help people to better understand the importance of being honest about what their expectations are of others and maybe cause a few like heartaches in the world.

  • I can respect a guy that is straight with me about his intentions like Rick. Then it is on me to choose if I want to hook up with him or not. If I choose to have sex with him, he will go in the same category he’s putting me in.
    What isn’t cool is when a guy trying to act is if he wants a relationship with you only to hook up. That’s just being an asshole. Girls can use guys too…I have in my younger days. It can really bruise a guy’s ego when they expect you to call the next day and you don’t call at all, then they are calling asking why you haven’t flip the script on them ladies!

  • Rick, I have to admit that I’d be the one to be a good little bootycall before breaking the rules and developing “feelings.” I would blame myself, apologize for breaking your rules, and hope to be given “another chance” to play it your way (without feeling or attachment.) Of course you would oblige, same rules in play, you are more than clear…except that I would go on hoping you might develop actual feeling. Yep, that’s some low self esteem, and this article is actually pretty damn good for the Linda-likes in the world. My question is, Rick, (not to argue, I appreciate your candor, I just really want to understand) once you know a girl is a “feeler,” WHY keep calling her back? If you know she tends to get attached and see too much in you post booty call, then why call her again and initiate another encounter when you don’t want any of the feelings that you know she’ll bring? You’re adept at reading women, and you have more than enough options…so why call the rule-breakers, the “Lindas,” back? Thanks in advance for your reply, your perspective is very enlightening.

    • I apologize for taking so long to reply so I hope you’ll eventually see this response.

      When I wrote this piece originally I was in a much different place in my life – mentally and emotionally – so as I read back over this it’s much more a source of entertainment than any real set of guidelines I follow at this point.

      If a girl started getting clingy now I would address it or remove myself from the situation completely.

      But then again I don’t attract those types of girls anymore so it’s not something I’ve had to deal with for a long time now. If anything I’m the one who gets clingy from time to time.

  • Apparently you were born with a lot more hormones than humanity. You don’t even offer a sufficient “thank you ma’am, after your wham-bam.

  • I personally found this article helpful, I’m new at this & I like that he’s being honest about it.

  • its pretty clear that Rick is a Class A Dick. He wants a woman available 24/7 for his sexual convenience w/o any consideration whatsoever. There are well-paid women who do this for a living. They are called Prostitutes. Rick should pay for one, rather than taking advantage of unsuspecting females! He’s a selfish slimeball!

    • For the amount working women charge there is far better sex available out there for the cost of a couple shots of tequila (for me), or dinner (if she wants to cook it for me).

  • I know this is far beyond the relevant time for comments, but I just want to tell you I come back to this article periodically. It has become a reference tool to flesh out the true motivations of the current fella in my life. Despite the previous comments indicating your douche-ness for not being more clear about your one way street sex intentions, the real life implications are incredibly useful as the pseudo-empowerment Linda assigns to herself is the tool I use to sometimes excuse my acceptance of the subpar treatment. Though I am not a proactive Linda, I have been guilty of accepting the rule violations when offered (confirming friend requests, meeting friends, et al). Because of this article, I have become aware of these signals and am way more heads up about the reality of any booty call or FWB arrangements.

    So… Thanks for your honesty, resident douche bag! I truly appreciate the view from the other side of the coin.

  • perfectly_imperfect

    I strangely find you appealing Rick. Hmm…I must have ridiculously low self-esteem eh, lol?

  • You sound like a treat… All about you isn’t it, what you want. Woman also have needs, but you only want to be there when you are in the mood. You broke the rules. I’m sure that is how you have sex too.

  • Wow, you sound just like a sociopath lawyer I used to date– single, acting just like you, at 38. Your narcissism is out of control, dude. Get some respect. Nothing you say makes sense. You will probably die alone and I feel sorry for you.

    I hope you find a good woman one day that you don’t view as an object.

    Also, you might want to look into discussing your “rules” with a therapist. It’s not healthy to have “shoulds” and so many boundaries.

    • I have plenty of women in my life I don’t view as objects… and luckily, plenty of others that I do view as objects. I like to keep a nice balance.

    • Therapy! Why do people always suggest therapy when they don’t agree with someone else’s life? You sleep around and tell the truth about it, Rick. You need therapy.

      Chill out, girlfriend!
      I don’t think he physically carries a list of rules around in his pocket, pulling it out when a girl suggests a sleepover and saying “Haven’t you read the rules? It’s time for you to go.”

      Or maybe he does. I mean, it would certainly get me to check myself and head out.

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