The Ricktastic Guide To Proper Booty Call Etiquette

Every now and then, I’ll take a girl home who might not be my #1 pick of the night, but maybe she’s really enthusiastic or just knows how to play the game. Inevitably, we’ll have the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” conversation, and things will go smoothly for at least a few weeks (and by “smoothly,” I mean our interaction is strictly limited to me calling her when I’m drunk and horny).

Things go smoothly, that is, until she starts breaking the rules.

Rules? What rules, you ask?

Good question! Why, the rules of booty calling, of course.

Now, it’s not a big deal if she breaks one or two of the rules, as the damage can be managed appropriately, and hurt feelings can still be minimized. Occasionally, however, a woman will seemingly make it her goal to break every single one.

Linda was one of these women. I met her while out on a typical Friday night. She was cute. Nothing special, but the more I drank, the better she looked. She played the game just enough to keep me interested until we went home together.

The next morning, we ran through the motions: “I like you, you like me”… “I’m not looking for anything serious”… “neither am I”… and so on. I made it clear that this was going to be pretty casual for me. And she seemed to be in perfect agreement.

But it didn’t take long for her to start messing it all up, as I received the following text a few days later:

“Are you on facebook :) :) :)”

Oh, look, the first rule….

Rule #1: Don’t try to be friends with me on Facebook

I’m not trying to hide anything from her. I’m just trying to hide her from anyone who knows me. The baseline requirement of a booty call is that she’s available when I want her, and invisible when I don’t. If I need to disappear for a while, I shouldn’t have to explain why I’m not calling her.

Whatever, no big deal. Text ignored. Hopefully, my lack of acknowledgement gets the point across.

“Private profile?!? How am I supposed to see what he’s doing every single minute of the day now?”

Nope. A few more days later:

“So what are you doing this weekend? :D”

“Having some friends over for a dinner party, nothing big. U?”

“Really?!? Maybe I could stop by :) :)”

*Sigh*

Rule #2: Don’t expect to meet my friends

I don’t even want strangers to see us in public together. If I only want to see her when it’s dark out and I’m wasted, what makes her think I want my friends to meet her? And possibly even interact with her? That doesn’t even make drunk sense.

Text ignored. Again.

“I wonder if it’s too late to tell them she’s just a friend from out of town.”

Several weeks go by, and after a hard night of partying and a lack of results, I give her a late-night ring. Strangely, she doesn’t answer. Oh, well. Time for a good night’s sleep.

The next day….

“Hey! I saw that you called last night :) Sorry I didn’t pick up, I was sleeping! What are you up to today?!”

Damn it.

Rule #3 No rain checks

Our “encounters” are strictly spur-of-the-moment. There are no reservations, no rescheduling. If I call her at 3:00 am, and she doesn’t answer, she has a 30-minute window to get back to me. Past that 30-minute mark, she should just pretend like I never called, because at that point, I’M SLEEPING. I don’t want to talk to her the next day, and I certainly don’t want to hang out with her in broad daylight… or really at all.

Once again, the magic of text messages is that they’re so easily ignored.

“Four missed calls last night? I should probably call him back… and text him at least twice… maybe email him, too?”

A few more weeks go by before I’m in need of our “relationship” again, so I call her up, and she invites me over. As I’m in the bathroom cleaning up afterwards, I hear her from the other room.

“Are you gonna stay the night? I wanna cuddle…”

*Sigh*

Rule #4: Don’t expect a sleepover

The problem here is that I may not be attracted to her when I’m sober. Well, guess what happens when I pass out drunk and wake up six hours later? I’M SOBER. (Well, mostly sober.)

So that means I don’t want to see her when I wake up. It also means I definitely don’t want to cuddle.

If I go over to her place, I’ll be leaving as soon as we’re done. And if she comes over to my place and doesn’t leave as soon as we’re done, I’ll be passing out with the hope that my bed is empty when I wake up.

“No, sorry, I have trouble sleeping in unfamiliar beds.”

It’s an excuse, but it’s true.

“Okay, fine, maybe another night.”

“If I just stare at the ceiling long enough, maybe she’ll think I’m sleeping and then leave.”

Around this time, I start dating a couple other women I’m actually into, so I stop contacting her for a few months. After things start going downhill with those two, I pop back up on Linda’s radar with a text one late, drunken Friday night. She doesn’t respond. I text her again the next night, and this time she writes back.

“It seems there was about 2 months you couldn’t spare time for me so… you’re gonna have to try a little harder if you want some of my time.”

Oh, puh-lease. “Try a little harder”?

Rule #5: Don’t try to play hard-to-get

Playing hard-to-get only works when I like someone and don’t quite know how much she likes me. In that case, taking a while to respond to a call or a text will generally keep me interested. If she’s already established a pattern of being available 24/7, then playing hard-to-get NO LONGER WORKS.

I drop the conversation and don’t respond. A week later, I get a text from her.

“Hey! I don’t have to work tonight :) do you wanna come over?”

So much for having to try harder….

The reason we were even in this situation is because I had shown the tiniest bit of interest in her, and she was willing to accept that. Was I just using her for sex? Of course. But I made it clear that sex was all I wanted from her, and she agreed to it. That, as far as I’m concerned, was the extent of my responsibility to consider her feelings. Beyond that, it was her choice to either accept our arrangement or move on.

I treated her like someone I only wanted to have drunken sex with because, after all, that’s what a booty call is.



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87 thoughts on “The Ricktastic Guide To Proper Booty Call Etiquette

  1. Rick, THANKS for posting this. I really needed this brutally honest cautionary tale from the man’s perspective. I’m one of those women who Dont “get it”. I wasn’t raised with a dad or brothers so have spent my life perpetually confused by men. This is the wake up call I needed to squelch all hope that my current situation will ever develop to my satisfaction. Know that you have helped at least one person to see the light! :-) :-/

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