Working For Your Husband Is Tricky Business
Image by Gael Conrad via Corbis.com
My husband is sleeping with his secretary.
Not only do I not care, I actually encourage it.
No, we’re not swingers, or in a dysfunctional marriage. We work together… and I’m his secretary!
The first question I’m asked when people find out that my husband and I own a business together–and that I technically work for him–is, “How do you do it?
The answer I give is the expected mix of joke and half-truth: “Not easily!”
We started working together by accident. My involvement at the outset was more or less that of a doting girlfriend with lots of spare time. We fought frequently in the first couple months, actually, because he seemed to be working all of the time. One night, during an argument, he told me, “I don’t even start working until after 5:00 because I’m in the office all day!” To which I snapped back, “You barely have any work in there in the first place! How in the world do you have so much office work to do?”
Three months after he started the business, I had taken a few days off due to minor surgery and decided to go in to work with him just to get out of the house. One day in his office was all I needed to see that he did have enough work to require help.
Due to my flexible work schedule, I kept helping out in his office when I could. After a couple months of that, I could barely keep up with both jobs, and things weren’t going well at my “real job.” We discussed it and thought it would be worth a try having me come on full-time. That was May 2008. He proposed in June, we were married in August, and I’m still working full-time in the office. The business continued to grow exponentially, and we now employ four full-time guys in addition to ourselves.
So, how do we do it? To be completely honest, I’m not 100% sure. We’ve had times where I thought it would be the end of our marriage. The issues that play out in any typical marriage are present both at work and at home, and are only amplified by the stress of running the business and managing employees. Staying on the same page is hard. Defining roles is even harder. Despite our early success handling the business as co-owners, over the longer term, that was not working out.
Someone has to be the boss, and even though I still struggle with it at times, that person is him. Some of the standard rules that apply to a successful marriage just don’t apply to a successful business.
We are both assertive control freaks, meaning we had to learn fast to stay out of each other’s “areas.” He doesn’t tell me how to do my work, and I don’t tell him how to do his. Or, at least, that’s how it’s supposed to be.
We are also an “opposites attract” couple. Sure, we have some common interests, but our personality types are polar opposite. He’s sociable, outgoing and energized–an extrovert to the core. I’m a little shy and reserved, a homebody and mellow–very much an introvert. He’s an eternal optimist, and I typically see the glass as half-empty. Oddly enough, this combination of personalities has helped the business more than anything else, because we balance each other out. Where he’s ready to jump in head over heels and take a a risk, I urge caution. When he takes off running after an idea, I sit back and do the research. In spite of the conflict it can occasionally spark, we’ve seen this pay off more than it’s harmed us.
Probably the hardest part is remembering that while we’re at work, I’m the Office Manager and he’s the Boss before we’re husband and wife. Sure, we occasionally flirt or argue, but if the business is going to succeed, work has to be work.
There are drawbacks to working together. It is virtually impossible to leave our work at work, and we don’t always have so much to talk about over dinner since we not only know how the other’s day went, but what specifically happened. We do have to work harder at making “me time” to ensure that we maintain some semblance of individuality and have new conversation topics.
One of the positive aspects is that we are growing together, every day. Each challenge we meet and face head on brings us closer. Regardless of the times we are pushing against each other, when something does get done, we did it together, and it creates a strong sense of teamwork in our marriage that can only be accomplished by achieving shared goals.
Will this arrangement last forever? Will we be working side by side in thirty years, old and gray and holding hands as we gaze upon our empire? Only time will tell. Because I have played a large role in building the business, I don’t ever want to completely bow out. But I do have dreams of my own that I’d like to get around to some day. Maybe we’ll start a family. Who knows? Because we began working together early in our relationship, I worry that if we stopped it, would affect our relationship negatively. We don’t know each other in a different context, and a large part of what defines our marriage partnership is our business partnership. So as long as it is is working I’d just as soon leave well enough alone.
I just know that, for now, it works. And we love it!
Themocracy
Mad props to you for making this work. I’m sure it has to take a lot of humility on both of your parts.
Thanks! As the business grows it gets easier. Some things become beyond anyone’s control at that point, and that helps! More employees help spread the workload and cash flow becomes less of an issue which reduces the number of money conflicts. I hope it keeps getting easier, instead of the other way around!
Hey Jennifer, congrats for your success so far and I wish you even more success, both in your business and in your relation!
)? Or are you working so much that you don’t have the time and/or energy left for dating? Not to mention that is kinda hard to leave the work at the office, and the various issues you confront during working hours might spill over your free time. How do you deal with that?
I have a curiosity and I hope you’ll forgive me if I’m being too nosy: how does working together affect the romance in your lives? I ask because if you guys see each other all day long, maybe it diminishes your “appetite” for dating (each other, that is
You aren’t being too nosy at all! First, I’d say that neither one of us is all that “romantic” to begin with, so that is beneficial! But yes, we do work pretty much all the time and don’t have much time or energy for “dating.” Our idea of an excellent date is ordering pizza and watching a movie or game from the comfort of our couch.
We do go out–to games, concerts, or what have you–at least once every couple of weeks so that we aren’t always at work or on the couch. We also travel alot for our business in the summer and fall, so we try to make the best of those road trips and turn them into mini-vacations” as best we can. There is an annual trade show in Vegas that we attend, as well, and I schedule in a couple’s massage and nice dinner so it’s not all work and no play.
We also make a point of going somewhere, even if just for the weekend, on our anniversary each year.
Seeing each other all day every day can get a little old, which is why we try to spend time apart when we can, even if it means I watch TV upstairs, and he watches downstairs, when we are both home. Just the opposite of what most people do–together all day at work, apart at home at night!
Basically, we just do what we can with what we have to work with!
I’d also add that we aren’t together 100% of the time at work. It used to be that way, when it was just the two of us, but now he’s off doing his thing and I’m in the office doing mine. That is something that’s gotten better with time. Having employees now means we have other people to socialize with besides each other and aren’t all up in each others business all day! All-in we probably have 2 hours of actual face time in an average day.
Sweet answer! Well it seems you guys are lucky: not only are you compatible (and complementary, based on your article), but you realize that a relation requires working for it, AND you’re actually putting in that effort!
I hope you’ll choose to share with us your future experiences, because this was a pretty informative article.
Nice article. Words of encouragement for you… my parents have run a business together for 30+ years. Its a similar setup – my dad is “the boss” but my mom “runs the office.” They started the business with sons (7, 5, 3) at home and ran it out of the house for 20+ years. Last summer my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage. It certainly can work if you’re both honest and willing to put in the effort.
Good Luck!!!
That is great to hear! And congrats to your parents on a long, successful marriage!
It is somewhat common in our line of work to encounter long-standing husband and wife teams, so that’s also encouraging! I try to look to what they do and how they make it work for inspiration.
This article made me feel alot better after having ‘one of those days’. I’ve been working for my husband for the past month and it’s been a struggle. It’s very difficult to accept he’s ‘the boss’ but I guess, I’ll have to swallow my pride. hope you continue sharing your experiences…. lots of luck