Having survived a first date disaster like no other, I’d like to spare my fellow unsuspecting females the trouble. In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck,” I offer the following diatribe:
“He might be a sugar daddy.”
I’m talking about the older man. The philandering, but powerful older man. In particular, the philandering, but powerful older man who wants you to be his mistress. And before we get started, I should report that just typing the very word “mistress” makes me cough and sputter.
When I was younger and very much enamored of Belle Époque Paris, I thought it might be cool to be somebody’s mistress, albeit in an abstract, Moulin Rouge “Hi, I’m Toulouse Lautrec and I’d like you to meet my girlfriend” sort of way. But there are several things wrong with this picture.
For starters, Toulouse Lautrec was French, so he wouldn’t have said “hi.” He would have said “bonjour.”
Secondly, Toulouse Lautrec was short, so I would have never gone out with him in the first place.
Thirdly, in order to be somebody’s mistress, you have to lounge around in your negligee, smoking cigarettes all day. I don’t smoke, and I don’t actually own any negligee. Maybe you get negligee when you sign on to be somebody’s mistress (a year’s supply, perhaps, and more for good behavior?), but I rarely trust normal men to pick out clothing for me, let alone men with questionable morals.
Finally—and this is real deal breaker—you have to have sex with your philandering, but powerful older man to be a good mistress. And this, no matter what sort of penthouse said sugar daddy might have in store for me, is a bridge I’m not willing to cross. Continue reading 'He Might Be A Sugar Daddy'»