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The High-Tech Solution To All My Dating Problems

When I began dating, the universe neglected to provide me with step-by-step instructions — only a vague sort of stage directions. He is here, you are there, hold hands, kiss, cut, thank you everyone, now we are done. The film director might have gone home, but I was still there, baffled. So what happens next?…

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How I Played A Player

When I was small, I loved chess. It was like foretelling the future. By lining up the pieces a certain way, I could get my opponent (usually someone equally inept) to move the way I wanted. Once I discovered men, chess palled (well, except strip chess). Men were mysterious. Men could call or not call.…

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The Day I Realized I’m A Bad Boy

I watched the well-dressed Casanova over the brim of my beverage, contemplating the best way to cause him pain. I was already halfway through my ninja-assassin routine, in which I dispatch him with a swift blow to the balls. Naturally, the women he was entertaining with his ridiculously good looks would then swoon at my wondrous…

Overcoming Huge Bouncers And Tall Fences To Get A Phone Number

“Persistence overcomes resistance.” Maybe you’ve heard that before when it comes to winning someone over. Maybe she’s hesitant at first, but if you dole out the charm and keep flirting, she might change her mind. If you persist–and aren’t creepy about it–she won’t be able to resist. Well, what happens when that resistance isn’t coming…

The Boy Who Got Away (With It)

When I was in fifth grade, I had a wicked crush on Pierce Leves. Pierce was “it” for me. And Rebekah Rabinowitz knew it. She also knew that I was too shy to do anything but love him from afar (oh no, I was not the fleurt I am today). Deciding to play matchmaker, Rebekah…

The Ricktastic Guide To Proper Booty Call Etiquette

Every now and then, I’ll take a girl home who might not be my #1 pick of the night, but maybe she’s really enthusiastic or just knows how to play the game. Inevitably, we’ll have the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” conversation, and things will go smoothly for at least a few…

Desperately Seeking The Friend Zone

My husband and I have a German friend, Gunther—late 30s, good-looking, smart, funny, and a genuinely nice guy. Of course, he’s single. A few weeks ago, we were hanging out together, pondering his romance woes over a few glasses of wine. But it wasn’t the preposterous fact that he was still unattached that lingered in…

Once A Cheater, Never Again A Cheater

From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew I had to have him. I figured he had to have a girlfriend. But he asked me out, and I didn’t even think about my boyfriend back home, 700 miles away. The reasons I cheated were many. Distance, lack of sexual satisfaction, pre-existing lack of…

Casual Sex Isn’t As Great As I Thought It Would Be

For nine months during my first year of university, I was in a casual relationship with two different women. Right. This is where most people expect macho bragging, but I’m actually not going to do that. It was great… for awhile. But ultimately, I broke it off because I couldn’t deal with being used for…

How Women Reinforce Douchebaggery

Do you know why there are so many douchebags in the world? It’s because women keep sleeping with them. Seriously, if you give your dog a treat every time he takes a dump on the rug, expect to live in a very stinky house. Sleeping with someone you know is scum reinforces bad behavior in…

When Did “Trying Too Hard” Become A Bad Thing?

Ladies, meet Scott. That’s him in the middle in the photo. Yes, the one with the mane of hair and the pager clipped to his jeans. Scott and I were fraternity brothers at UCLA, and for as long as I’ve known him, he has epitomized the term “chick magnet.” Within the fraternity, there was a…

One Man’s Hookup Is Another Woman’s Boyfriend

It’s never my intention to go out to a bar hoping to get laid. I never think, Tonight, I will be balls deep. I just know it! I try to let these things happen with no expectations. Sometimes, though, there are complications…. I was out with some friends one night. Buzzing after six or so…

Why Can’t Men Learn To Read Women’s Minds?

Ladies, have you ever complained about the insensitive boyfriend who couldn’t pick up on the fact that you were having a bad day, even though you told him you were fine? Gentlemen, have you ever been called a conceited ass for thinking a girl was going to sleep with you, when she came over with…

If You Chase Me, You’ll Never Catch Me

After discovering I could get women to chase me, I’ve collected some priceless stories. But is that really how I want to talk about my future girlfriend or wife? With stories of how I got her to jump through all of my hoops? Of course not. The kind of woman I want to spend the rest…

Why Do We Look Back On Past Love?

This year, Valentine’s Day came and went with nary a card, a box of chocolates, or even the usual fighting between my preschool students for the honor of calling me their “girlfriend.” Can you blame me for being depressed? I began serial dating in August. And by “serial dating,” I mean that I challenged myself…

May The Forced Small Talk Be With You

While doing some light shopping at Cabela’s the other night, I met a girl. She worked there. She was cute. She was witty. She was a red-head. Her name was Cassie. I remember walking towards the register with a few items in hand and thinking, “Wow. She’s really cute. Perhaps I should ask her out.” As she…

How I Fucked Up My Own Game

In the foggy haze of a slightly hungover morning, I heard an earthy voice echo softly in my ear, “time to get up, Danny Boy.” I buried my face into the strange, pink-fringed pillow I’d slept on while slowly realizing my own nakedness. I opened one eye to see an oddly darkened purple room that…

Mathematical Proof That Women Are Just As Promiscuous As Men

There’s a perception floating around that men are more promiscuous than women and, hence, have more sexual partners during their lifetimes. Well, I call bullshit. And I’m bringing my army of math to back me up. In a survey taken by ABC News, men reported a lifetime average of 20 partners, while women reported a…