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By Darcy Dates, May 9, 2011 6:00 am

Image by Mike "Dakinewavamon" Kline via Flickr

Once upon a time, I walked into a bar on the Upper West Side to meet one of my J-day-tay dates (or what you might know as JDate). I was looking forward to meeting this very tall, very handsome stranger. He was from Kentucky, and Jewish. Over the phone, he had a southern twang of some kind. Or so I thought. More on that twang later.

As I made my way through the bar, I saw him sitting at a table that was placed awkwardly close to another table, with two women sitting at it.

These two girls are going to love listening to our first date unfold, I thought as I approached.

But, he was handsome. Five-star handsome. He looked just like his pictures, which is not always common. We were off to a good start.

“Hi! Andy? Darcy.” I extended my hand.

“Well hello Darcy!,” he said as he pulled me in for a hug.

Ho. Ly.

He was the gayest man I’ve ever met.

Well, maybe not as gay as the date who took me to the Indigo Girls concert and held my hand and wanted to skip.

I turned green. That twang wasn’t just southern, it was downright RuPaul.

I glanced at the two girls at the next table, and they glanced back at me. There was something in their look, an awkward disbelief, that I knew I was not alone in thinking this.

I dreaded sitting down and cursed myself for having to play along with his charade. As I always say, I love a gay man. But, if you want to play for my team, you have to wear my uniform. And my uniform doesn’t involve a beard of any kind. Continue reading 'My Hot Date Didn’t Look So Good Upon Further Inspection'»

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By Meg Pierce, November 29, 2010 6:00 am

Image by BoringPittsburg via Flickr

I jokingly instruct the guys I date that if I ever ask the dreaded question, “do I look fat in this dress?” they should lie, lie, lie.

“Always tell a girl she looks fantastic,” I say to them.

Yet, even the littlest white lies make me uncomfortable. To me, the problem is that a few harmless snowflakes can easily turn into a blizzard of deceit.

My friend “Sarah” met her current boyfriend “Chad” online. She dated him for a year before discovering that he was an entire decade older than what he’d indicated on his profile. Imagine how she felt to discover that, instead of celebrating his 30^th birthday with him, she’d actually bought that sweatshirt for his 40^th birthday.

For his part, Chad was actually relieved to have the truth out in the open. Tweaking every story he told had gotten confusing and stressful. The longer he stretched the truth, the harder it was to come clean, and the more he had to lose. Lying to a girl he’d just met online was a very different story than lying to his girlfriend of a year.

How could Sarah ever trust him again after not only the initial lie, but the chain of fibs that followed to cover up the initial one? Well, age was just a number, she figured after much deliberation. And a mere number was trivial compared to all they had been through and all they had shared. So, she chose to forgive him. Continue reading 'Caught In A Blizzard Of Little White Lies'»

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By Kat Richter, September 7, 2010 8:00 am

Image by .imelda via Flickr

Having survived a first date disaster like no other, I’d like to spare my fellow unsuspecting females the trouble. In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck,” I offer the following diatribe:

“He might be a sugar daddy.”

I’m talking about the older man. The philandering, but powerful older man. In particular, the philandering, but powerful older man who wants you to be his mistress. And before we get started, I should report that just typing the very word “mistress” makes me cough and sputter.

When I was younger and very much enamored of Belle Époque Paris, I thought it might be cool to be somebody’s mistress, albeit in an abstract, Moulin Rouge “Hi, I’m Toulouse Lautrec and I’d like you to meet my girlfriend” sort of way. But there are several things wrong with this picture.

For starters, Toulouse Lautrec was French, so he wouldn’t have said “hi.” He would have said “bonjour.”

Secondly, Toulouse Lautrec was short, so I would have never gone out with him in the first place.

Thirdly, in order to be somebody’s mistress, you have to lounge around in your negligee, smoking cigarettes all day. I don’t smoke, and I don’t actually own any negligee. Maybe you get negligee when you sign on to be somebody’s mistress (a year’s supply, perhaps, and more for good behavior?), but I rarely trust normal men to pick out clothing for me, let alone men with questionable morals.

Finally—and this is real deal breaker—you have to have sex with your philandering, but powerful older man to be a good mistress. And this, no matter what sort of penthouse said sugar daddy might have in store for me, is a bridge I’m not willing to cross. Continue reading 'He Might Be A Sugar Daddy'»

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By Allison Schein, August 2, 2010 8:00 am

via someecards.com

To some, online dating is a shamefully self-destructive activity: Men and women, dissatisfied with traditional methods of finding a mate, feed their dating hunger by sifting through the week-old garbage that are online dating sites, stuffing their faces with the refuse of the masses until they overindulge and sit in the shower, rocking back and forth, wailing, “why did I do this to myself? Why?! WHYYYYY?!!!”

Or that’s how it seems to me, after witnessing people’s reactions when I come out of the online dating closet.

Um, guys? What’s the big deal? Why is online dating so disgraceful? I must be missing something here because I honestly don’t see how it’s different from any other method of finding someone.

Okay, I understand why some people might think online dating is a sign of desperation, and that dating sites are a last resort for people who can’t function in the rough-and-tumble realities of in-person dating. After all, the online dater is on a mission to find someone—and is sometimes paying to do so.

But critics forget that not everyone dating online is an idealistic virgin looking to get married right this second. There are millions of people on different sites, from all socioeconomic, educational, and ethnic backgrounds, with varying levels of dating and relationship experience.

Everyone always says that thing about the fish in the sea. Well, online dating sites are that sea. Casting a line in it is as easy as checking a few boxes and clicking “search.” Bait the hook with a nice-lookin’ snapshot, and you’re good to go.

Naysayers also don’t like to admit how efficient online dating is. Continue reading 'What's Wrong With Online Dating?'»

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By Dennis Hong, July 5, 2010 8:00 am

Photo by pmarkham via Flickr

I decided to do the online dating thing again. And when you’re doing the online dating thing, you get to fill in these little packets of personal information. One self-description that I invariably put down is that I can be a bit of a smart-ass. I put this down because… well, I’ve been known to make girls cry on the first date, so I feel that sufficient warning must be granted to all my potential suitees.

Not too surprisingly, I often get matched up with other alleged smart-asses. What does this mean when I meet up with these women then? Mostly, we spend a large portion of our time barbing back and forth in a proverbial urinating contest to see whose gluteus is more intelligent.

Unfortunately, some people don’t seem to understand the difference between being a smart-ass and being an ass. Hey, I admit it. I’ve had issues with it myself. (Again, I made a girl CRY. On a FIRST DATE.) To be perfectly honest, I still lapse occasionally… er, frequently from smart-ass to plain ass.

You see, there’s a fine line between sarcastic and insulting. Being sarcastic takes intelligence, a quick wit, and some amount of lucky timing. Being insulting is just the clueless person’s substitute for true sarcasm.

Let me tell you about an evening recently spent between two self-professed smart-asses:

We’re hanging out in my room. She happens to have a bottle of Diet Coke with her. She opens the bottle, takes a sip, then drops it and spills a decent amount of soda on my bed. I groan and say, “alright, whatever. Here, get up. I’m gonna change the sheets.”

She says: “Don’t worry, we’ll just cover it up. You can change them in the morning.”

I say: “Ummm, I’d rather just change them right now. I’m not gonna sleep on a Coke stain.”

[SSSSSKRRRRRRTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZ] Time out.

Continue reading 'There’s A Fine Line Between Smart And Ass'»

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By Dennis Hong, August 9, 2009 11:45 am

Image by Clipart.com

If you ask me, online dating is the romantic equivalent of eating at Denny’s: they give you a menu full of tantalizing photos and enticing descriptions, but that Grand Slam breakfast sitting in front of you never looks quite as good as the one on the menu. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t ever enjoy a meal at Denny’s. You just have to realize that the menus may stretch the truth somewhat.

The same goes for online dating. Any social reject can figure out that people exercise plenty of factual calisthenics in their online profiles. To that end, I’ve compiled my own list of the most overused online dating aphorisms I’ve come across, and the not-so-scrumptious, not-quite-as-appetizing truths behind them. I present to you my unabridged, unabashed, online dating dictionary….

Translating Men: What They Say and What They Mean

I’m new to the whole online dating thing………. My online dating virginity grants me immunity to be a total jackass at any time during our impending courtship process.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say here………. Please excuse me while I now describe myself in the most inane, generic, and clichéd way possible. Hey, I’m new to the whole online dating thing.

I’m pretty laid back and chill………. I have no ambitions in life and am stoked that sitting on my ass, watching TV is now an activity known as “chillin’.”

I’m a total smart-ass……….. I will cover up for my lack of actual wit by belittling anything and everything you say.

Continue reading 'Dennis’s Online Dating Dictionary'»

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By Dennis Hong, June 21, 2009 11:04 am

Image by Clipart.com

Nowadays, guys don’t even have to ask for girls’ phone numbers anymore. We just look you up on Facebook! Unfortunately, some of you still get annoyed when you get asked out online. So, in the spirit of opening the lines of communication, here are the top ten reasons we’d rather use Facebook to ask you out, instead of doing so over the phone or in person:

10. Our Facebook photo is the one photo in existence where we look halfway decent, and we’re hoping you were too drunk to remember what we actually look like in real life.

9. We were too drunk to remember what you actually look like in real life, but hey, you look halfway decent in your Facebook photo!

8. 200 million users on Facebook. Somebody out there’s gotta like us.
Continue reading 'Top Ten Reasons We’d Rather Use Facebook To Ask You Out'»