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By Jennifer Witt, October 17, 2011 6:00 am

From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew I had to have him. I figured he had to have a girlfriend. But he asked me out, and I didn’t even think about my boyfriend back home, 700 miles away.

The reasons I cheated were many. Distance, lack of sexual satisfaction, pre-existing lack of trust, excitement, a fear of being alone, and an inability to end a relationship all contributed to my indiscretion. I also fell in love with the other guy. Not that it makes what I did any better.

For a while, it was perfect. In the Big City, I had a smart, successful, connected, sexy Dream Guy parading me around like a trophy. And back home, I had my boring but safe boyfriend (just in case it didn’t work out with Dream Guy).

My tryst lasted two intense months, with another weekend rendezvous three months later. Yet, we lived hundreds of miles apart, so the end was expected, natural, and painless. Or so it seemed.

Back home, I still fantasized about Dream Guy. I was also constantly wracked with guilt. Not a single day went by that I didn’t consider confessing. I never did, though, because I couldn’t face the pain it would have caused my boyfriend.

A year later, I moved back to the Big City, this time permanently. And I couldn’t wait to see Dream Guy again. My boyfriend wasn’t able to join me immediately, so I had several months to rekindle my romance with Dream Guy and break it off with my boyfriend. Dream Guy and I ended up working in the same office, and it didn’t take long for us to pick back up where we left off.

Except this time, he had a girlfriend. I was still tormented by guilt and started second-guessing myself. Was it really worth going through this again if we were not going to work out? One mistake I could rationalize, but two? Dream Guy began to get frustrated with my indecisiveness, and every time we’d start to get physical, I’d freak out and change my mind. I was asking him to put his relationship on the line by seeing me behind his girlfriend’s back, but I’d never go all the way or break it off with my boyfriend and commit to him.

Continue reading 'Once A Cheater, Never Again A Cheater'»

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By Jennifer Witt, August 22, 2011 6:00 am

Time magazine recently published two articles discussing new studies regarding sexual satisfaction, marriage and infidelity. While Time played up the “groundbreaking” nature of the results, I was not surprised. Shortly after my wedding, I came to the conclusion that sex is probably the most important aspect of marriage.

That revelation wasn’t the result of any sexual dysfunction in my relationship, but simply the result of adjusting to being married and to the expectations we all subconsciously harbor about marital bliss and the reality of being committed to someone ’til death do us part.

When I woke up one day to find the new marriage smell worn off, I emerged from the newlywed cocoon so many of us get wrapped up in during the early days of forever. I found my way back to hobbies my husband doesn’t have an interest in and to the uncoupled friends I unintentionally overlooked, because inviting them out always seemed like making them the third wheel. I watched chick flicks by myself and ran errands without him. I started shopping with my mom again.

I wasn’t sad or mad or glad. I just rediscovered the fact that there is a world outside our coupledom that is fun and fulfilling. My emotional and intellectual needs could be met without him being the source of all my contentment.

But after all my girls’ nights out and mother-daughter adventures, I still had one need that could only be met at home, within my marriage: S-E-X.

Hitting me rather abruptly, I realized that out of all the relationship needs, sex is the only one that cannot be met by anyone else other than your spouse. At least not in a socially acceptable context, unless you are polyamorous (which is arguably not socially acceptable, but that’s beside the point).

Continue reading 'Sex Is The Most Important Part Of A Marriage'»

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By Shaun S., August 8, 2011 6:00 am

Your douchebag history

Do you know why there are so many douchebags in the world?

It’s because women keep sleeping with them.

Seriously, if you give your dog a treat every time he takes a dump on the rug, expect to live in a very stinky house. Sleeping with someone you know is scum reinforces bad behavior in much the same way.

There are probably volumes’ worth of reasons individual women do this, but I stumbled onto an interesting one last night over drinks with a friend. This friend of mine is hot. She’s smart, and funny, and kind. She has a handle on life in a lot of ways, owns a house, and has a good career. In other words, any guy would be lucky to be with her. Yet, the landscape of her dating history is a minefield of douchebags.

I don’t mean just guys I don’t like. I mean guys who have done magnificently shitty things, like cheating on her with her barely-legal-at-the-time younger sister, stealing a significant sum of money from her, and dumping her for the methed-out stripper he’d been cheating on her with and gotten knocked up. Yeah, all that was the same guy. He stands out, but it’s a bad crowd.

Anyway, my friend told me that the weekend before last, she had sex with one of her douchey exes, this one a garden-variety manipulative cheater. She, of course, professed to hating his guts and didn’t really know what motivated her to sleep with him.

And then last weekend, she ran into the first guy I mentioned above. She said she “was good” this time because she “only messed around” with this guy, instead of having sex with him. She couldn’t resist telling me that she’d blown him, though.

Of course, I didn’t want to hear any of this, mostly because, no matter how self-defeating her actions were, I knew the chances of anything I said actually changing her behavior were abysmal. And who was I to tell her how to live and what mistakes to make? Still, hearing about my friend’s suffering at the hands of these jerks and knowing I couldn’t do anything about it was pretty depressing.

But it was what she said next that inspired this writing:

Continue reading 'How Women Reinforce Douchebaggery'»

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By Kevin Kwong, May 16, 2011 6:00 am

Photo by Ayushveda.com

It’s never my intention to go out to a bar hoping to get laid. I never think, Tonight, I will be balls deep. I just know it! I try to let these things happen with no expectations.

Sometimes, though, there are complications….

I was out with some friends one night. Buzzing after six or so happy hour drinks, I started talking to this guy I’ll call Heavy C. Heavy C had a square jaw, the beginning stages of salt-and-pepper hair, an olive complexion, and he was built–but not in a scary “my head is visibly much smaller than my body” kind of way. He was just right.

We talked about things I don’t remember, and after a few minutes, he cut to the chase.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

“Ugh!” I replied in relief. “I’m so glad you asked.”

“Are you okay to drive?”

I squinted my already non-existent eyes and flapped my hands at him like I had just swatted a fly away from my face. “If I’m standing, then I can drive.”

Heavy C asked me to follow him back to his place, and I was practically high-fiving myself as I walked to my car.

After thirty minutes of following him onto various highways, I discovered that we were on the way to the airport. My first thought was that we were going on an overnight getaway. My second thought was that he was going to shank me in the parking garage.

Finally, we pulled into a hotel garage, where I parked next to him and got out.

“Do you live here?”

He chuckled politely and told me that he was here for work. Continue reading 'One Man’s Hookup Is Another Woman’s Boyfriend'»

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By Jennifer Hamilton, November 15, 2010 6:00 am

Image by Josep Ma. Rosell via Flickr

I had an interesting encounter with a married friend the other night. My husband, our two-year-old son and I went to dinner at “Jack,” “Jill” and “little Johnny’s” house. They’re friends of ours, and we were looking forward to catching up with them after not seeing them for several months.

I should mention now that Jack and Jill have a one-bedroom apartment, so all six of us were essentially in one room the entire night. You’ll soon find out why this is important.

We were having a great time, and the wine was definitely being enjoyed (more so by the men than by the women and kids).

Out of the blue, Jack gave me a look. You know, The Look. I turned around, hoping that Jill was behind me, and The Look was directed at her. She wasn’t, and it was not. When I turned back, Jack was still giving me The Look.

I brushed it off. Really, we’re all married here, right?

Then, he gave me a hug. Or, in the same vein, perhaps I should say, The Hug. Was that his hand sliding down my back and hovering on that no-man’s-land area below the small of my back, just above my butt?

I discreetly moved away, trying to assure myself that I was just imagining things. Perhaps Jack’s hand had slipped. But then, how many times has a guy’s hand “accidentally” slipped when touching a woman? (Don’t answer that, guys.)

I sat on the couch, next to Jill, and started playing with the kids. This had to be a safe zone. But no. Soon, Jack was also on the couch, in between Jill and me. And I found that my feet and legs were ever-so-gently being caressed. My discomfort was now official. Continue reading 'Is Honesty Really The Best Policy?'»

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By Dennis Hong, October 4, 2010 6:00 am

When it comes to sexuality, many people believe that humans are unique in the animal kingdom: we feel love, we’re psychologically complex, we form long-term monogamous bonds.

Well, science calls shenanigans.

According to scientists, the similarities we find between animals and humans actually reveal some of our most basic instincts, and monogamy isn’t necessarily one of them. Take a look at these five animal behaviors with uncanny parallels to humankind:

1. Males are naturally polygamous, while females are naturally monogamous

This first tidbit of insight is drawn from a study by sociobiologist Robert Trivers, in his seminal work titled, “Duh.”

Natural selection is based on the principle that parents pass on their traits to their offspring. Any heritable traits that enable an individual to produce stronger or more offspring will spread from generation to generation with greater frequency, while those that result in weaker or fewer offspring will gradually be extinguished.

Instinctively then, animals behave in such a way as to maximize their chances of producing offspring, because these are the behaviors that get passed on. That tingling sensation we feel in our nether regions when we see an attractive member of the opposite sex? It’s just our body’s way of prodding us to procreate.

Continue reading 'Monogamy Is A Load Of Crap'»

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By Dennis Hong, November 17, 2009 9:16 am

Image by Clipart.com

On one of the many dating websites I lurk these days in my never-ending quest for relationship fodder, a cabal of female readers was recently discussing ways to exact revenge on a cheating boyfriend. One woman proclaimed, with singular pride, that she had devised the perfect strategy: she would sleep with her boyfriend’s best friend. This woman explained that she’d done this three times now, with three different guys, and all three times, she was able to incite the cheating boyfriend into a raging fit.

The discussion dragged on for days. Several women applauded her brilliance. One suggested that the boyfriend’s brother could be an even sweeter instrument of revenge. Still others lobbied ideas that ranged from subtle (going out to his favorite hangout, looking absolutely stunning, and having a great time without him) to criminally deranged (total vehicular destruction with a baseball bat).

For my part, I found the e-conversation stimulating to my inner conniving misogynist. Within the deluge of schemes that sprang to mind, I cooked up the perfect countermeasure of just making sure my best friend is utterly repulsive… or better yet, a girl (which would make the act of vengeance, like, totally hot).

Through it all, not one person brought up the underlying issues revealed by this woman’s words. No one seemed to notice the trio of elephants lumbering through the room…. Continue reading 'Can’t Get Fooled Again'»

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By Dennis Hong, September 12, 2009 9:35 pm

Photo by Darragh Sherwin

Today, I’m about to make a confession that will surely land me in the relationship outhouse.

You see, I don’t believe in monogamy. I love my girlfriend, but I’m just not sure that she’s the only one I’ll want to be with for the rest of my life.

The fact is that monogamy is not in my nature. It’s not in yours, either. Or any other human being’s. Any sense of loyalty we feel for a singular partner arises from social constructs. We stay faithful because society tells us it is right, not because it is our natural instinct. To the contrary, our instincts drive us to seek out multiple sexual partners.

So where do these notions of monogamy come from then? Perhaps we can blame the hopeless romantics out there, the bards and the poets of yore. Those who would woo us with legends of the noble, romantic creature—like the swan that mates for life, or the boyfriend who buys tampons. Sadly, reality is not so poignant. Yes, some species form monogamous pair bonds, but they rarely last. In the animal kingdom, promiscuity reigns supreme. In case you doubt me, take a look at the mating systems that arise in the natural world…. Continue reading 'My Ultimate Confession'»