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By Miss Bonnified, September 12, 2011 6:00 am

Bonnie and Clyde

There’s a book out there entitled He’s Just Not That Into You. You’ve probably heard of it.

I once read that book from cover to cover because I needed something to make me laugh while giving me insight into why I let my last relationship die. I was hoping something in there would explain how a relationship that had started off so promising (in my head, at least) warped  into the living nightmare I was plunged into for almost two years.

Well, the book taught me nothing about that. But, I did pick up a few things that helped me recognize what is now going on with the love of my life.

You see, I didn’t get the early signals that Clyde was really into me. I was too busy being nervous about putting myself waaaay out there on that scary narrow plank known as New Relationship. Thanks to Previous Relationship, I now questioned everything I knew about men.

Clyde is very sure of what he wants, and he goes out to get it. But he’s not prone to talking about his feelings. I, on the other hand, thought that was the only way to communicate.

I also kept thinking our new relationship was going to end at any second, because it was anything but the stuff of Hollywood romance. Well, maybe romantic comedy. What happened was a whirlwind of the kind of activity that could scare any new guy away….

First, I had to move out of my apartment. That meant I had to pack. I suck at packing.

Second, I had to find a new apartment. That meant I was frantically searching for places during the day when I wasn’t working and was super tired by the end of the day when we got to talk on the phone.

Third, I had to shop for furniture. I’d never shopped for furniture. When I first moved back to Los Angeles, I just took random pieces that friends no longer wanted and Frankensteined my apartment together.

Continue reading 'How I Know He’s Just That Into Me'»

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By Miss Bonnified, June 20, 2011 6:00 am

Via Esquire.com

When people hear I’m engaged, the most common question they ask is, “How’s the wedding planning going?”

This question usually leads right into the second most common question:

“So, are you going to let your fiance have a bachelor party?”

This, my chiropractor just asked me, as he was cracking my back and popping my bones back into place last week.

Grunting between pops of my back, I replied, “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

Maybe it was because of my answer. Maybe it was because of how fast I answered him. Or maybe it’s  because my chiropractor thinks I’m some kind of wholesome angel and thus utterly innocent to the workings of such shady places. I have no idea, but the next thing he asked me was, “Bonnie, do you know what happens during a bachelor party?”

Buddy. Oh, buddy buddy buddy. I pat his hand (somehow, I felt like I had to comfort him) and said, “Of course, I do.”

All was quiet except for the sound of my bones cracking. After a moment of confused silence, he asked me how I was so okay with it all.

I told him that it’s actually pretty simple, and it all goes back to what I learned in kindergarten….

Continue reading 'Bonnie’s Rules For Kindergarten, Bachelor Parties, And Life In General'»

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By Miss Bonnified, March 28, 2011 6:00 am

Photo by Chris Craymer

Clyde and I are getting married. This means I’ve suddenly turned into a wedding planner. In case you’ve never gone through this process before, allow me to say that it’s a special kind of pain.

Fellas, be prepared to see a whole ‘nother side of the woman you love enough to hand over a small mountain of cash in return for a sparkly rock.

Ladies, be prepared to come over to the dark side.

By “dark side,” I mean the peculiar kind of pain wedding planning inflicts. There’s so much that goes into planning something as intricate as a wedding, but the weirdest part is… I like the pain. This also makes me wonder if I’m secretly into S&M, but am just in denial.

The whole process starts taking on a life of its own. It very quickly consumes your every waking thought and moment. You become obsessed with things you never once gave a rat’s ass about. Things like table linens, chair covers, different kinds of freaking cakes and their design.

Do you know the difference between thermography and letter press typography? I do now!

Don’t even get me started with flowers and flower arrangement. Who knew there were so many different kinds of flowers??!!! And why do they cost so much?! [Throws a fit.]

So here’s the best piece of wedding advice Clyde got from his coworker and shared with me.

There will be no talking about wedding stuff after 10 PM.

Period. End of story.

At first, I was like, “WHY?! *ROAR!

There’s so much stuff to do!! Why can’t we… oh. I get it.” Continue reading 'How To Save Your Relationship While Planning A Wedding'»

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By Miss Bonnified, November 1, 2010 6:00 am

Via thesportsbank.net

Having a man in my life means a quite a few things:

1. I have someone I’m crazy about and am not afraid to let my freak flag fly.

2. I have someone who finds all the weird things around my apartment that need fixing.

3. I have someone who knows how to fix all those weird things around my apartment and VOLUNTARILY does it. I win!

It also means I’m learning a bunch of things about sports I never knew. For example, this time of year is apparently the best time of year if you’re a sports fan. Something about how baseball, basketball and football all converge together and OMG, SPORTSGASM!!!

Clyde is a football freak. He doesn’t usually cuss, but stick him in front of the TV when there’s a team he really loves and/or hates with a passion, and it’s like a classic case of Jekyll and Hyde. My usual mild-mannered boyfriend instantly transforms into the biggest sh*t talker I know. And I know a lot of people with nuclear potty mouths.

“COME ON, YOU MOTHER F*CKER!! GET THE F*CKING BALL, YOU LOSER! F*CKING SH*T!!!”

“NO, YOU F*CKING ASSHOLE!! WHY’D YOU DROP THE BALL!! AAAAGGGHHH!!! * bleep * bleep * bleep *

So what does mean for me, the sports noob? It means I get to be entertained by my boyfriend… I mean, I get to be supportive. When Clyde and I first got together, it was towards the end of football season, so I had no idea what I was getting myself into. When the Season of Man started this year, we were getting breakfast at Eureka Cafe when he delicately tried to explain to me his obsession with football.

I listened patiently and quickly determined the following: Continue reading 'Pumpkin Patches And Bumble Bees – A Girlfriend’s Guide To Football'»

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By Miss Bonnified, June 21, 2010 8:00 am

"All My Loving" by wczoraj wieczorem

I know the popular saying contradicts what I’m calling this piece. I’m here to argue otherwise.

Ladies, admit it. There’s something about the bad boy that’s a complete turn on. He brings danger, a sense of adventure, and total drama into your life. Rarely a day goes by where you’ll actually be thinking to yourself, “wow, this day was boring.” It’ll usually be the complete opposite.

But with all this excitement comes a price usually paid for in tears and hurt feelings. For some reason I’ve still yet to figure out, we’re under some kind of crazy misguided notion that we’ll be the ones to change him! We magically delude ourselves into thinking that we’re somehow special enough to be the one who’ll turn him around.

Yeah, right.

I’ve been there and done that. By “done that,” I mean that I was a card-carrying member of the Delusional. I’m also way over it because I’m onto something way better. It’s called NORMAL. (More on this in a bit.) Whenever I think back on this period of my dating life, I recall Fergie’s wise words in her epic song “My Humps”…. Continue reading 'Nice Guys Finish First'»

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By Miss Bonnified, January 6, 2010 8:00 am

Anybody remember this song? Cracks me up every single time, and that’s precisely my point:

IT. MAKES. ME. LAUGH. It does not make me want to jump your bones. That is, unless you’re someone I’ve been dating for a long time because you know how to make me laugh when you do a monkey dance and I will somehow find that sexy as hell.

Watch the video before reading the rest of this post. Don’t worry. I’ll even wait for you.

So here’s what I don’t understand. Why do guys think it’s sexy to tell a female, “I want to [bleep] you like an animal,” the first time you meet her? It makes me think of the following things: Continue reading 'Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel'»

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By Miss Bonnified, December 25, 2009 8:00 am

Image by Clipart.com

Remember that song from Aaliyah? “Age ain’t nothing but a number”? The opening lyrics to that classic are as follows:

Age ain’t nothing but a number
Throwing down ain’t nothing but a thang
This lovin’ I have for you
It’ll never change

Being honest is a good thing. In fact, being honest is a “must have” when it comes to any relationship. Having said that, I think another “must have” is discretion.

We all know the saying about how curiosity killed the cat. I’m proposing that curiosity can also kill what would’ve been a beautiful relationship. I know the lyrics reference age as the number in question, but it’s not. What is it exactly I’m talking about? Simple.

I’m talking about the number of people you’ve slept with.

There’s no situation I can think of that would ever make it okay to ask your partner. Don’t get me wrong. I think questions like “do you have any STDs,” “are you married,” “do you have any kids,” and “do you like watching CSI NY too” are perfectly legit questions.

Asking someone to tell you the number of partners they’ve had is like opening up the mother of all cans of proverbial worms combined with what Genie looked like when he was all warped after going to the Dark Side in Disney’s “Aladdin.” Continue reading 'Un-Magic Number'»